Welcome To Hell

• Artist: manda_massacre_az
• Description:
• Date: 03/12/2009
• Tags: welcome hell

The hallway was silent. I had no idea where I was. All I knew was that I wasn't alone and I had a horrible headache. I could hear steps slowly coming closer. I quickly stummbled to my feet and scanned the dark hallway surrounding me. I couldn't see anything but the faint outline of a door at the end of the hallway; but, I knew someone was watching me.

"Where am I?!" I called out hopes I would find a response. There was a short silence.

"Your in Hell, hun." Said the voice in the dark.

All of a sudden I was blinded by thousands of extremely bright flourescent lights being turned on all at the same time. I could see now that I wasn't in a hallway but a giant room. I felt something cover my mouth then everything went black

**********

I woke up in the same room; in the same exact place. I sat up and rubbed my eyes until I could see again. I looked around and screamed at the top of my lungs for as long as my breath would hold out. All I could see was dead, bloody corpses, dead animals, and torture devices that looked like they had come straight from a midevil lair. I heard a door open and I quickly glanced at where the sound had come from. I saw a figure emerge from the door.

"Welcome to Hell" it said with as much monotone I had ever heard.

"What?! Where am I?! Why am I here?" I whispered franitically.

"Welcome to Hell," the creature repeated with the same tone as before. The voice was impossible to identify what sex it was.

It was coming at me now. I tried to run but I couldn't get my legs to move. In a frantic effort to dart my way to the door, I fell back on my elbows. It was getting closer at an alarming rate. I started crawling backwards through blood and scattered body parts. Until, I bumped into, what felt like, another human. My head flew back and I saw another cloaked creature staring at me. Its hood fell down exposing its horrifying face. There was blood everywhere on its' face. It's blood-stained teeth were rotting and very few were left. It had no eyes and only a few clumps of burnt hair left. I glanced down and saw a knife and fork in its hands. Right below that, a fresh corpse with its chest completley eaten and carved out. You could see the bites that had already been taken out of the corpses rotting heart. It slowly exposed its bloodied teeth and curved its mouth into a twisted smile.


"Welcome to Hell."

Comments

[The Plastic Poptart]

It was a good idea, but some parts I had to read over again to figure out what was happening. Stormy-oak, I agree, but some people have NO idea what androgynous means. xD Great job, hun, so I'll give you a 3/5.
Keep on brickin'.

[stormy-oak]

Another good example of how much simply rewording can make a huge difference is instead of "it was impossible to identify was sex it was" write "the voice was impossibly androgynous."

Pipea is correct, there is elegance in simplicity. It just takes practise to figure out the best way to convey what you are trying to say without sounding too verbose. Keep up the good work, you're on the right track.

[Ariiadne]

3) The difference between "it's" and "its." The first is a contraction meaning "it is." The second is used for possession. Be sure to remember that. It's one of the most common problems I've seen.

There were a few spelling mistakes and some grammatical errors, but I've pointed out what I think is most important. Keep writing!

[Ariiadne]

2) You're very repetitive. You keep on mentioning blood here, bloody this, dismembered that... it becomes overwhelming to the point where the effect wears off. It's no longer scary if you overuse it. Try using a thesaurus to vary your words. Also, try to use different sentence structures. Variety is key.

[Ariiadne]

It's an interesting start. But there were a few things that I wasn't too fond of.

1) You have a problem like I do: you're wordy. There are so many phrases you use where one word would suffice.
ex: "All of a sudden I was blinded by thousands of extremely bright flourescent lights being turned on all at the same time." = Suddenly, thousands of blinding florescent lights flickered on simultaneously.
Simpler is better. Use as few words as you can, but make sure that things don't get boring.