• You’ve never gotten her. Never really understood her reasoning behind anything she did. The two of you’ve been best friends for almost eleven years, and sure you’ve had your fights - you’ve even said that you weren’t best friends anymore - but you know that she’ll always be your best friend, even if she doesn’t seem to feel as close to you as you are now.

    She’s just a few months younger than you; you were born November of ‘94, and she was born June of ‘95. So you’re always first in everything. You’ve always had the more mature attitude; you’ve always focused on studies instead of boys, but you know the reason for that now.

    As far back as you can remember, she always had a boyfriend. Back in elementary school, she told you everything, and you always got so immensely jealous when she talked to someone else about her problems; you only got mad when she told things that weren’t hers to tell. But you still loved her. You know you’ll always be best friends, because you can never stay mad at her for long. The only reason you told her you didn’t want to be friends anymore was because you wanted to see if you actually could live without her.

    You found out that you can’t.

    In middle school, she seemed more distant, especially during eighth grade, because Brionna came into the picture. With her it was always Bre, Breezy, Bestie.

    With you it was just Bryce. Never a nickname. Never Bree. Just Bryce, that tall girl who everyone guesses has a figure but never really pays any attention to her anyway because she’s really not the best-looking girl in the bunch. And she’s white. Even if she’s half black, she looks white, and none of the black boys down here can look past that fact except the freaks and stalkers.

    Now it’s high school, and she seems so much more… you don’t know how to describe it exactly. Last year you’d mentioned to her how you might be bisexual, and now you pretty much know that you’re not into boys. Sure, some of them are cute, and you voice the thoughts, (especially about Taylor Lautner) but you never really think of them as sexy or hot. Just better looking than the other boys you have to choose from.

    But Syd goes around kissing girls on the cheeks (Fatima) and on the lips when dared (D’Andrea) and acts like it doesn’t matter to her. But you can never know that for sure, because she says she wants to be dared to kiss you and you can’t get that thought - that idea - out of your head. She should never have said that. It makes you kind of angry that she even mentioned it, because now you’re thinking about her sometimes in ways that you shouldn’t, all because she said she wanted to kiss you.

    God, you’re so confused. You’ve known her for years. You know you love her, but do you love her as a sister or as something more? God, she keeps joking around with the ‘gay’ idea, and you never could tell when she was being serious. You wish you could read minds, know what she thinks about when she’s talking to you, if she has the same thoughts you do, or if you’re all alone. Again.

    God, if she was reading this right now, you’d freak. She’d probably run to Shy-Shy, Cheyenna, the girl who can’t keep a secret. You want to tell Sydney that the dancer Kiana knows that she kissed Vincent (was it Vincent? You can’t even remember.) because her precious Shy told her before she got on the bus the day after it happened.

    She asks you if you think Shy’s changed. You don’t know; you never really paid attention to her before, so it’s not like you can do a comparison. You do know that Syd has changed though, but not for the worse. Even though she’s getting farther and farther away from you, you know she’s happy, and as long as that fact is true, you’ll be fine.

    You just wish you could kiss her - just once - just to see if you really do have feelings for her.

    But you know you never will. You’ll never get the chance.

    Because she probably doesn’t even think of you that way. She probably thinks the whole ‘I think I’m bi’ thing was just a ‘phase’, like she thought Ciarra’s was.

    You’ll never talk to her about this, because she’ll run. You know she will. She’ll run and ignore you and then who will you have that you can talk to about anything? Sure there’s Kayla, but she’s ten hours away, you can only call her after 9 and on weekends, and besides, your comfort zone is texting right now.

    Sydney might not have been your first Best Friend (Mercedes) but she is definitely one of your truest (even though she has spilled a couple of secrets of yours) and you wouldn’t want to ruin that relationship.

    s**t, you haven’t even fully come out to yourself yet and your sitting here writing this thing that probably doesn’t make any sense because your confused. Hell, you haven’t even kissed a girl before (besides Kayla, your cousin, which was just a peck on the lips for your younger cousin, Derek’s, sake) so how do you know if you just haven’t found the right guy yet?

    But you’re pretty sure you’re attracted to girls, ‘cause you’re sitting on the laptop reading and writing yuri every day (even though you doubted yaoi at first, it’s doesn’t bother you.) and it’s a wonder she hasn’t figured it out yet; that you’re definitely not straight.

    Maybe in about five years, when you’ve graduated and are about to go off to different colleges, you’ll show her this, tell her that waaay back when you were just lowly freshmen instead of post-graduate seniors, you thought you had a silly little crush.

    But you’ll never know if you have a ‘silly little crush’ on her because you’ll never kiss her to find out.

    Because she’ll run.

    And then who’ll you have?

    No one.