• The doorknob twists and the door opens, revealing Jeremiah. Shock comes over his face as soon as he sees what’s going on. Tears stream down my face and onto Alex’s hands. I slam my eyes shut and pray for an intervention.
    “Please let him help me,” I plead in my head.
    “What the hell?” He says.
    He looks so disgusted. He probably feels as disgusted as I do.
    “What? You got a problem Kromwell?” Alex yells at him, standing up to his feet.
    “Let her go,” Jeremiah says.
    “And what if I don’t?”
    I open my eyes wide and see Jeremiah take two long steps to fill in the gap between Alex and himself. His eyes furrow with a look of what could only be pure anger and he takes a half a step back, bringing his arm back with him. He brings it back forward with as much intensity as he can. His fist connects right with Alex’s face, sending him flying to the ground. He is out cold. The alcohol in his system and the impact of Jeremiah hitting him really did a number on him.
    Jeremiah just looks down at Alex like he has never seen anyone so despicable in his life. His head shakes and he slowly turns towards me. He comes towards me like he’s going to touch me. I feel so disgusting. I don’t want to be touched. My head is swirling with so many different thoughts I can’t even see straight. What just happened to me? Why did this happen to me? Jeremiah sits down by me and reaches a hand out to me.
    “Don’t touch me!” I burst out.
    He recoils and turns red. He’s got no idea what to do and neither do I. All I can see is Alex. His hands running all over me, making me dirty. His mouth on mine, I don’t think I will ever be able to erase that feeling from my mind. My hands are shaking and there are tears running down my face. I have a cut on my lip from Alex hitting me. I have blood on my face and I reach a quivering hand up to wipe it away. I look up at Jeremiah through blurry eyes and see him just watching me, a look of pity on his face.
    I don’t want him looking at me. I’m not worth that. I’m dirty. I’ve been touched. I must have done something to deserve this right? Why else would I have been targeted out of everyone else at the party? I am dirty. I’m disgusting. I feel so unclean I need to shower and never come out. I will never get this feeling off of me. His meaty, sweaty hands all over me… Get off of me… Don’t touch me! Don’t touch me! Leave me alone! The room begins to spin and my vision crosses and becomes doubled. My head feels like it weighs a ton and yet I feel light headed.
    “Maggie?” Jeremiah asks, concern written all over his face.
    I can’t answer, my mouth won’t let me. I put my hand up to my face and cover my eyes. My eyes roll back and I hit the ground.

    Jeremiah
    I notice that she looks a little far off, like she’s looking towards me, but not at me. Her eyes flutter and roll back and she crashes backwards to the floor.
    “Maggie!” I yell.
    I rush over to her put my hands on her shoulders.
    “What should I do?” I wonder.
    This is the second time I’ve seen Maggie like this. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m like some kind of curse on her or something. I put one arm under her shoulders and the other under her knees and lift her up. I need to get her out of this place. There’s no doubt in my mind why she fainted. This poor girl in my arms, no one deserves to go through this. Her friend downstairs is way too drunk to take her home. I’ll just have to do it myself. I know that if she wakes up before I get her home, she’s not going to be happy about it, but I have no other choice and I feel like I need to do something.
    I head towards the doorway, stepping over Alex’s very unconscious body. I tread down the stairs very carefully, trying not to shake Maggie too much. I get downstairs and push my way through the crowd of my drunken classmates. People are trying to ask me questions, being entirely too grabby for my taste. I shrug them all off and head out the door. I get outside and realize that I also didn’t drive and I had no idea where she lived. I walk over to the little garden area outside of the house and set Maggie down on the bench. There was a little brick pathway that was surrounded by plants and trees. There was a cast iron fence that surrounded it all. There were a few garden decorations here and there; a bird bath, some garden signs. Everybody is too busy inside partying to bother with coming out here, and even if they did come outside, I don’t think that they are the kind of people that would just wander into an area like this.
    I took my sweatshirt off and put over Maggie. She was really out of it. Her mind is probably trying to shut everything out so it can heal from the trauma she just went through. I’ve always heard that’s what happens at least. So she will be out as long as her mind needs. I sit down and lean my back up against the bench. It’s a clear night tonight and I can see every star in the sky. The breeze is a little chilly, but not enough for me to take my sweatshirt back. Every so often someone comes outside from the party. Some smoke cigarettes, some leave, some throw up everywhere. It feels just like my old town. It’s the same old people doing the same old things. I lean my head back on the bench and close my eyes. What a night. My thoughts drift off somewhere distant, somewhere better.
    I open my eyes and look at my watch. s**t. I fell asleep for about a half an hour. Maggie. I turn around to check on her. She is gone.
    Maggie
    I open my eyes to find myself staring at a beautiful starry sky. For a brief second I am blissfully unaware of what just happened to me. It doesn’t last long. The events of the evening come rushing back to me, filling me so full of grief it overflows like a waterfall down my face. A cold breeze rushes over me and I sit up, a sweatshirt falling to my lap. I look around and notice that the party is still going on inside. There was no way I could go back in there. Nicole is going to have to manage for herself. I know it’s a shady thing to do to your best friend but I just can’t do it, not after the night that I’ve had tonight. I reach up to my lower lip and touch where it split when Alex hit me. I flinch as it begins to sting a little. I need to get home. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt this horrible in my life. I feel dirty and worthless. I look down and notice that Jeremiah is sitting on the ground, his head resting against the bench. He is asleep. I can’t talk to him right now. I can’t talk to anyone right now, especially him. I scooch myself over to the edge of the bench and swing my legs over, an effortlessly silent move, and I get up. I’m freezing, so I take his sweatshirt with me. If he put it on me in the first place he’s not going to just up and miss it.
    I take a deep breath and close my eyes, still wet with tears. Every inch of my body aches and I just want to sleep. I step onto the brick path in the garden and walk towards the sidewalk. My house is about ten streets away. I take Jeremiah’s sweatshirt and pull it over my head. My hair ends up all over the place but I’m far from caring about it. I pull the hood up over my head and continue on down the sidewalk to my house.
    After walking for about a half an hour I reach my destination. I’m frozen to the bone and I have a headache that could take out a large animal. My mom always leaves the door unlocked for me, so I walk to the doorway and turn the knob. All of the lights are off in the house; I have no idea what time it is. I walk up the stairs to my bedroom. I have a bathroom connected to it and I head their before anything else. I turn on the water in the bathtub and let it get steamy and hot, just the way I like it. I begin to take my clothes off and I try to avoid looking at myself as I walk past the mirror. I can’t help but catch a glimpse of bright blue and purple though. There are finger sized bruises all up both of my arms. I look as horrible as I feel. I turn the water on even hotter, hoping that maybe the heat from it will burn away the sense of disgust I feel. The tub finishes filling up and I walk over to it. I get in, my whole body all at once and let it burn me, scalding away any sense of shame left in me.

    Maggie
    November
    Jeremiah and I are always together. I feel like I’ve known him forever, like I know him better than Nicole. We hang out after school every day and I just feel so happy with him around. Nicole hangs around with us sometimes too, but she always seems upset about something. Jeremiah is actually the first guy that seems to be more interested in me than in her and I think that’s really pushing her buttons.
    The bell rings after school and I head to my locker. I’m grabbing my stuff and shoving it into my backpack when Nicole glides over, looking happy for once in a long while.
    “Hey, can I come over?” She asks.
    “Oh, yeah, sure that’d be great,” I say.
    “Okay cool,” She says.
    She begins to walk off to her locker when she turns around to me and says,
    “Bring Jeremiah.”
    I nod my head, a little confused. I didn’t think that she liked him. At least she didn’t act like she did. I shake it off and get my cell phone and call Jere and tell him to come over.

    The three of us arrive at my house at about the same time. We walk inside and head to the island in the kitchen, our sitting place of choice.
    “Why don’t we watch a movie or something?” I suggest.
    We all move into the living room to the couch. All three of us sit down, Jeremiah in the middle. I notice Nicole is sitting really close to him. She keeps fidgeting; scooting into him like it’s an accident. It’s really driving me crazy. Did she invite him over here to flirt with him in front of me or what? I’m starting to get angry so I get up.
    “I remembered, I have something for you Jere,” I tell him.
    I walk up the stairs to my bedroom and dig for some photos I was going to give Jeremiah.
    “What’s Nicole’s problem today?” I think to myself.
    I take my time gathering up my pictures. I look through them and smile. Most of them are from the day we spent together out of town. We left early in the morning and didn’t come back until late that night. I took tons of pictures. Most of them were just me showing my excitement through my camera. I stand up and slowly start back downstairs. I shuffle my feet through the hallway into the kitchen and stop dead. Nicole and Jeremiah are all over each other. She’s got her hands in his hair and is kissing his neck.
    I can’t believe this. I’m so confused right now. I drop my pictures to the floor, the smiling faces in them seeming now like just a stupid joke. I turn and run back to my room and slam the door behind me. I can’t bear to see that. Jeremiah comes and knocks on my door.
    “Mags, please just let me in. It’s not what you think!” He pleads.
    I don’t say anything. I’m so angry right now. Was everything we’d been through just a joke? I feel betrayed. I’m not going to answer him. He doesn’t deserve an answer from me. I can’t believe that Nicole would do this to me either. What the heck is going on? I left the room for five minutes and they are all over each other? I turn my back to the door and lean against it, a tear running down my face. I love him. How could he do this to me? I don’t care if I ever see him again.
    Jeremiah
    I put my head to Maggie’s door and try to recollect what just happened. She was only gone for like five minutes. As soon as she was out of site Nicole just threw herself on me.
    “Why do you want a girl like her? I’m better, more experienced,” She hinted at me.
    “I, I uhm…” I stuttered like a fool.
    “I’ll do the talking for you,” She purred.
    Her hands grabbed at my hair and she gripped tightly. She began to kiss up and down my neck.
    “Okay, what do I do? What do I do? I can’t just push her off of me; she’ll lie to Maggie about it and blame me. If I just wait for her to come back down though I’ll look just as bad maybe even worse,” I think.
    I didn’t have any time to decide, Maggie had already come downstairs. She already saw me like this. This couldn’t be any worse. If Maggie knew how I really felt about her, she wouldn’t have looked so betrayed. I love her. I love her so much my heart could just burst. She deserves a better friend than Nicole. She’s no friend to Maggie. She’s just using her for her own gain. I should have told her about what happened with Nicole at the party, but I was too focused on what happened to her.
    She turned around and ran away from me. And I don’t blame her. I looked completely guilty. I ran after her. I needed her to listen to me. I needed to tell her everything. I kept things from her and now I was paying for it, but I need her to know that I was not kissing Nicole. I bang on her door and ask her to please let me in. She isn’t saying anything though. I put my hand on her door and just pray that she’ll let me explain. She doesn’t.


    Jeremiah
    November
    I always seem to find myself returning to the same place. The cool breeze coming off of the ocean hits me with a bitter sense of loss, the salt entering the pores of my skin, seeping into my very soul. Massachusetts is a beautiful place in the late fall. Once all of the leaves fall off of the trees everything becomes bare and open to the harshness of winter. I have always loved the vulnerability of it. Like me, the trees aren’t able to hide themselves from being beaten down by the harshness of life.
    I walk down to the edge of the dock behind the building where I work. The sky is gray and cloudy; a sign that snow is coming soon. There are a few yellow and red trees left, mixed in along with the others. Today is particularly windy, the chill of it hitting me to my very core. I feel this overwhelming sense of sadness hitting me as I sit and remember when I had brought Maggie here. She looked like a little kid, running to the edge of the dock to peer into the water.
    “Jeremiah come and look! Quick!” She yelled back to me, her eyes shining with excitement.
    I walked over to her, my hands in my pockets. She was crouched down, one hand on her knee, the other pointing down towards the water.
    “Jere this is so cool you have to see,” She said.
    I crouched down next to her and looked where she was pointing. A little family of shining, silver fish were swimming back and forth under the dock. They were so tiny; it was amazing how fast they were swimming. We both just sat there and looked at them, watching them swim around like they had somewhere important to go, all the while getting nowhere. I looked up at Maggie; the wind was blowing her hair around. Her attention was so absorbed by the fish that she didn’t notice me watching her. Her cheeks were flushed with the cold and she looked absolutely beautiful. I watched her as she began to stand up. She closed her eyes and tilted her head up, taking a deep breath of the salty, ocean air. I stood up next to her, letting her take it all in. She opened her eyes and looked at me. It almost looked like something was on her mind but she was hard to read.
    “Thank you, Jeremiah, for bringing me here. It’s beautiful. It really is,” She said, not taking her eyes off of me.
    Our eyes met and we looked at each other for what seemed like an eternity. This girl was so beautiful; it just made my heart swell with a kind of feeling I had never known before. I didn’t know how she felt about me, but I didn’t think that I was going to be able to hold myself together for much longer.
    One big step and I was there, she was in my arms. Her head reached my chest and I put one of my arms on her head, stroking her hair, and the other around her waist. She was so small. She didn’t say anything and neither did I. I had nothing to say that would mean anything more than this.


    December
    Maggie
    I never thought that learning to forgive someone would be this hard. It’s an easy enough idea to grasp, but actually doing it, is another idea entirely. I’m sitting at my desk, pulling all of my papers for school back into a neat pile. I think to myself about how horrible facing Jeremiah at school tomorrow is going to be.
    “I can’t believe this…” I mumble quietly.
    I get up from my chair and head to my bathroom to get ready for bed. I grab my pajamas from the hook behind the door, exactly where I hung them this morning. They’re nothing special, just an old t-shirt and a pair of ratty, gray sweatpants. I never really believed in paying a lot of money for pajamas that were frilly and ridiculous. It seemed pointless, at least to me. I knew no one would be seeing them but me, so why bother?
    I finish brushing my teeth and pulling my hair back into a ponytail. I hate it when my hair gets in my face while I’m are trying to sleep.
    “I don’t know how I could possibly sleep tonight,” I say.
    I have a pretty strong feeling I won’t sleep, but the familiarity and comfort of my nightly routine gives me a tiny flicker of hope. I jump into bed, my mind racing with thoughts of Jeremiah. All of the old memories come flooding back, filling my head with a drowsy, swimming feeling, and I’m reminded of things like the time Jeremiah saved me from Alex when he was coming on to me way too strongly at the party, and especially the memory of when we first met. A tear rolls down my cheek, as my heart breaks. The hurt I felt after what he did to me was just too much for me to bear. But at the same time, my stubbornness refuses to let me look sad in front of him. I begin to feel angry, twisted with fury at the idea of passing by him in school.
    “He’ll probably just smile and act like nothing happened,” I say aloud.
    So I just continue to lie in bed, not sleeping, and letting my anger build.
    Jeremiah
    I just sit there, staring at your computer screen. I think, "Maybe she’ll get online or send me an e-mail or something.”
    I know that no such thing will happen. This is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me. All I can think about is Maggie, and how angry she is. She is so stubborn. She refuses to listen to my explanation at all, instantly judging me and drawing her own conclusions. Maggie with her long, blonde hair… She is so beautiful. I’ve known her for a while now, and I never thought that something like this would happen. Everything was going so well. It’s eating me away inside.
    “She’ll probably never talk to me again,” I think.
    I have to make it right though. This girl with the angel face means everything to me. I don’t know if she’s awake still or not, but I get up and put my coat on anyway.
    “I have to fix this. She has to know the truth, and she needs to hear it from me,” I say.
    I pull on my boots; grab my car keys and head out the door, careful not to wake my mother. I head out into the snow and ice, not concerned for anything but her.
    Jeremiah
    There’s blood on my hands, my head, everywhere. The pain…I’m in so much pain. There must be a gash on my head, the blood is pouring down my face and onto my shirt. I can’t remember what happened… What did happen? I can feel the panic creeping up on me as the realization that this could be it came over me. I can’t move my legs, and my left arm is twisted and broken to the point that it’s almost backwards. I can’t even feel it anymore. The pain I feel is coming from inside of me. The impact that hit me crushed my left side, and I was sure that I had suffered major damage inside, that had to be it. Blood is beginning to seep out of my mouth, and my breathing is becoming jagged and short. Fear is becoming more present in my mind. In fact, I’m terrified. I know that I’m going to die. I can feel it. Why….
    Maggie. This one word comes into my mind and fills it up with so many happy things, but also sad things. Tears begin to escape my eyes. I’ll never see her again. I’ll never see that big smile she gave only me. I’ll never hear her laugh or get to watch her as she pulls her hair behind her ears. It’s crushing me. It feels like someone has placed a car on my chest. Breathing is so hard… my vision is becoming less sharp, doubled almost. She hates me. She probably hates me more than anyone in the world right now. I can’t take it….
    The bitter cold wind is pouring into my car where the glass used to be. The other driver hasn’t come to check on me. Nothing. I wonder if he even called 911. I’m so cold. I can feel every freezing gust of wind on all of my cuts. I’m becoming numb to the pain. I can hardly feel anything anymore and I know it’s bad…
    Red and blue lights, I can see them turning around the corner. The same corner I wrecked on. I remember what happened slowly. That’s right, another car… I remember driving up the road and another car came driving around the turn, way too quickly. They lost traction and slammed right into my side, the impact throwing both of our cars away from each other. I finally see the other driver, just now getting out of his car, completely okay. I just close my eyes thinking that maybe somehow I deserved this. I hear footsteps approaching me, crunching in the ice-covered snow.
    “Son, son can you hear me?” One man asks.
    I don’t have the energy to answer. It’s taking all I have to stay awake. My life is out of my hands now. Maggie. Oh, Maggie. I hear the paramedics in the background, but I can no longer make out what they’re saying. I open my eyes, but see nothing. I feel a rolling in my stomach, and a bout of nausea comes over me. I try to hold it back, but I can’t do anything about it. I throw up everywhere. Even without sight, I know it’s not what it should be, it’s blood. A groan escapes my lips as someone tries to pry the door open. “Someone help me. Can no one help me?”
    I’m still crying. I can feel the tears falling down my cheeks, mixing in with the blood on my face. I know there’s nothing that can be done now. Another burst of nausea and I’m throwing up blood again.
    “Just hang on! You’re going to be okay!” Someone yells.
    But it’s too late. Too late……



    Maggie
    January
    It’s like everywhere I go I can see him. Walking down this street, it feels like he should be here with me, laughing at something we were just talking about. I close my eyes and I can see his face smiling at me. If only that was the face I saw at night when I was sleeping. I can’t seem to get more than about three or four hours of sleep a night anymore. I have too many nightmares, and it’s always the same one. I can see him. He’s always just standing there, looking at me. His hand reaches out for me.
    “Help me,” He says.
    My dream self just looks at him and pushes his hand away from me.
    “No! No don’t go Jeremiah I need you!” I yell inside.
    My body won’t listen to what I want it to do. In reality, I’d run to him and throw my arms around him, and never let go again. But my dream self just walks away, doing exactly what I did to him in real life just months before.
    It was after out big fight. I was walking from my car in the school parking lot towards the building. There was a chilly breeze coming from the north signaling to me that December was fast approaching. My boots trudged through the wet leaves on the sidewalk, my head down to avoid the bite of the cold. I wasn’t in any particular hurry to get inside. I’ve always loved the cold and I’d rather not run in to Jeremiah yet. Just the thought of him made my blood boil. To think that he played me like that; he messed with my emotions and led me on. I actually thought that maybe he cared about me. I guess I was wrong. I’d rather not see Nicole either. To my surprise I was actually angrier with her than Jeremiah. She’s been my best friend for years. I don’t know how someone you’re supposed to be close to could hurt you that deeply. I guess in a way it’s my own fault for never voicing my opinion or how I felt. Being a closed book isn’t always a good thing, especially now in my case.
    I pushed open the doors and walked inside, feeling the heat from the school seeping out of the opening. It should have been welcoming to me, but it was anything but. My locker was all the way on the other side of the building. It felt like everyone was staring at me and I could feel my face turning bright red. I mean it’s not like they could have known what happened with me and Jeremiah, but my mind was playing tricks on me.
    I got to my locker and shrugged my coat off, peeling each layer of winter clothing away like an onion. My scarf, my hat and my mittens are all put in their usual place on the top shelf of my locker, tucked away safely in the corner. I was grabbing my books from my backpack and shoving them inside when I noticed a shadow creep up next to me. Somehow, I already knew who it was. I just froze. I didn’t want to look at him. I knew I would get angry and upset.
    “Maggie. Please just look at me,” Jeremiah said.
    The sound of his voice made me flinch, my eyes slamming shut. I didn’t want to be there.
    “Look, I know you’re mad at me, but you don’t understand. None of this was my fault,” He half pleaded with me.

    That sounded like a bunch of crap to me. Of course he’d say it wasn’t his fault, but I saw him. I know he did it. They were all over each other. He grabbed my shoulder and wheeled me around to face him. I was expecting him to act like this cool guy, the kind of guy who thinks he can get away with having two girls at one time, but instead he looked miserable. It kind of scared me, but I refused to let him see that. I gave him the biggest scowl I had.
    Both of his hands on my shoulders, he put his head down and said, “Mags, there are no words to express how I feel right now. I know that sorry will never be enough for you and I don’t blame you. But please, it’s not what you think. You have to trust me. If you would just listen to me you would understand.”
    His eyes were searching me, begging for me to just listen to him. But I had listened and trusted him for so long that this was a big deal. I didn’t know how I could ever trust him again. I couldn’t. I bent down and picked up my stuff and then turned to walk away. He gripped tighter, not letting me get away from him.
    “Maggie I love you,” He said.
    My mind raced. He loves me? If he loves me, then how could he do this to me? My eyes teared up, the whole situation hitting me all of once with full force. I couldn’t deal with it. After a long pause, I just kept my back to him and walked away, leaving him there with his head down, humiliation kicking in. I just denied an apology and him in front of everyone in the hallway. What was wrong with me? I’m not that kind of person. At least, I didn’t use to be. I very obviously didn’t deserve Jeremiah even if none of this was going on. I was too bitter. It was all I could do to not turn around and look at him. I didn’t see him the rest of the day.
    I think Jeremiah is my angel. I don’t know. I can feel him everywhere around me. My heart is still looking for him, like a friend that’s gone away on vacation in the summer. All you can do is lie around waiting for them to come back and you all can go out and have a good time to celebrate. But what happens if they don’t come back? Do you have this achy, anxious feeling forever? I don’t know how to fix it.
    I continue to walk down the street towards my destination. I’m dreading getting there. I walk down the two blocks and I see the sign for where I am going, the cemetery. I walk through the gate and head down the road towards Jeremiah’s grave. I pull my coat to me tighter, the extra warmth of Jeremiah’s sweatshirt comforting me. Jeremiah’s grave is at the bottom of the first hill and about halfway in between streets. I turn off of the road and crunch through the snow. I see his tombstone. His name in big letters and flowers all around it. I put my hands in my pockets and lower my head. It hurts so bad to be here. I can’t believe I was such an idiot. I ruined everything. Jeremiah died thinking that I hated him. I did hate him. I also loved him, and I never told him. But what I feel now is nowhere near hatred anymore. I don’t care what happened. I really don’t. What happened was so insignificant in comparison to how important our relationship with each other was. I can’t believe I was so blind to let it take over me like that. I can’t believe it took his death to really show me what was important.
    I drop to my knees. Tears hit the snow and melt it.
    “I’m so sorry Jeremiah. I’m so sorry!” I cry.
    I put my head into my hands and weep. I can’t fix this. There’s nothing I can do about it. I put a hand on his tombstone and close my eyes. I have made the biggest mistake of my life. But I know that I can’t dwell on it forever. Jeremiah wouldn’t want me to. I need to stop crying over myself and focus on him. I will never forget him. I think that he would want me to forgive myself. I can’t hold a personal grudge forever. I know that he would forgive me, so I should forgive me. I look up to the sky, and think,
    “I’ll always be with you Jere. Just promise you’ll stay with me.”