Crush

• Artist: coffeeinteapots
• Description: This is about a boy I'm striking for (;
  This is my first poetry I ever made and I hope I can make more
  Any advice would be good
  Thanks (:
• Date: 04/10/2009
• Tags: crush

Every time, once I see your face, I see it as an adventure; an adventure of all your laughters, your life, and you

I can't wait for the ride of the train

But I'm afraid of the engine; the engine holding me back

I want to stride; but the conductor is stopping me

Sometimes, I feel as if the ride is worth it or not

How would the passengers feel?

When I see your sight, are you feeling the smoke?

How can I know? What can I do?

The ride is almost over and I don't know where your going

Hopelessly gone..

Comments

[calvin-hyuga]

you could do better but it's a great start. You need to add more and put more emotion in it. Also writing about problems you have like this are good ideas.

[Jarmis]

It kinda feels like you forced the whole train metaphors in there, like they don't really come naturally.

The last two lines and the first two lines are better about it, but the middle reads kinda clunky.

Not bad for a first time though! Keep writing, and good luck with that boy you're after!

[Sluty Black Bird]

I recomend to but the lines closer in some times and other then that good luck with your crush 5/5