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sitting, wondering,

I sits in my dark room with the door locked.
I look at my hands and see scares of cuts and burns.
I look at my wrist and see more scares and self cutting...
On my desk if a small sharp knife.
Sould i use it again and cause myself pain so i can watch the blood drip?
Or sould i cry in a ball?
I wonder... is this what i am?
Something to cut and bleed.
Am i not a human being?
I want anwsers to these questions.
I want these scares to heal, i want to be able to leave this room of mine.
But i am afraid of whats outside my door.
Is there more pain out there? More things to make me bleed?
Or is there love and a feeling and wantness.
I sit here and wonder....
What am i to do?
3/5/08