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L's Diary: Real World (Part Nine) |
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"Matt, it is... me. Ryuuzaki. Do not try to call me back. I will attempt to get a hold of you once more in three hours time. I am well aware that in three hours, the time in England will be eight p.m. I apologize for interrupting anything, but I must contact you before... before... he wakes up."
"It is me again. You - quite obviously - did not pick up. I will call once more in an hour."
"Matt. Please why are you not picking up? I am beginning to worry. Please answer. I will try again tomorrow if time permits it."
The redheaded boy sat on the bed, his DS cast aside as if it were worth nothing. Although he never quite cared about the idolized detective the way the rest of the children in the orphanage did, he still loved L. No, not in a romantic way - he had Mello for that now - but in the way of a best friend.
"Matty, what's wrong?" The blond boy laying in his lap inquired, eyeing his boyfriend's shiny, new red cell phone warily.
Matt hesitated, unsure of whether or not he should be telling his Mello about this. Mello was one to panic, being the boy that was well known for his passion for life; unsuccessfully trying to beat Near. Not that it ever counted for anything, seeing that a feat such as conquering the frigid Near was unheard of. Naturally.
"It's... It's L," he admitted, wincing when Mello's reaction was instantaneous.
"L? Is something wrong? Is he ok?"
The panic in the blond's voice rose slightly. He was never one to stay calm in these situations. Calm Mello was code for train wreck. From the other side of the room, Near looked up from his legos, a look of interest crossing his features, leaving as quickly as it came, a blank mask readjusting itself in its wake.
"Relax, Mel," he whispered soothingly, laying down and holding his arms open for Mello.
The blond eased himself into the gamer's arms with an exasperated, yet contented sigh. Matt ran his fingers through the golden strands of his Mello's hair. He hated calling Mello 'his boyfriend'. Technically, Mello was his boyfriend, but he didn't like to think of Mello in that way. In fact, attaching people labels (such as boyfriend, girlfriend, stalker, or accomplice - however conventional or ridiculous they were) was something he generally hated. The boy beside him was simply 'his Mello' and his Mello was almost unattainable. The only reason Matt put the possessive of 'his' before Mello's name in his thoughts was because Mello had proclaimed himself as belonging to Matt and solely Matt. And even then, 'his Mello' still felt too stifling in his thoughts.
The blond sighed again, pulling the redhead down to lay beside him, vaguely aware of Near eyeing them from the adjacent bed. Although the three of them shared one room, there was only enough space for a total of two beds. Roger had placed a cot on the floor, instructing then to 'share the cot and play nice'. Instead, Mello and Matt shared a bed and Near was subject to sleeping alone. Not that he seemed to mind. The orphanage had nice heating anyway.
"But what about L?" Mello asked, voice growing fainter with each passing word, "I know you and L are close..."
He couldn't finish his sentence as the gamer's slightly calloused fingertip silenced his musings.
"Mel," the redhead spoke his name, eyes softening, voice stabilizing.
"Yeah, Matty?" he responded.
"I'm not going to lie to you: I don't know if he's okay or not-"
"Matt!"
"-but, I promise to talk to him tomorrow when he calls and find out. Please don't stress over this. Just go to sleep."
The chocolate addict sighed discontentedly and snuggled closer to his gamer. He pulled the redhead's arms around him and settled his own around the other's slim, bare hips. Burying his face into the crook of Matt's neck, he decided to try calming himself down. Fingers running through his golden strands of hair made him sleepy. Concentrated on breathing properly, he began taking in Matt's peppermint (yes, peppermint) scent that had come to mix with the chocolate that lingered on his own skin. It cooled his passions and left his nerves relaxed. Once he had filled up on the mix of peppermint and chocolate, he exhaled deeply until he felt lightheaded, a smile spreading across his lips as he realized his boyfriend's skin smelled like he did. Mello pressed his lips to the front of Matt's bare shoulder, surreptitiously flicking out his tongue. Even his boyfriend's skin tasted similar.
"Alright, Matty," he whispered and kissed the other boy, "Good night, then."
Upon the contact of their lips, Matt relaxed, not realizing he was so tense before. The state of his body was now comparable to falling into a glob of putty. Languid kisses were issued from his lips to Mello's, laced with a hushed hint of sweet nothings, as smooth and as deep as the chocolate his Mello loved. Energy running low, he knew he was tired as hell and could probably sleep through the night and wake in the same - if not, worse - condition too. Mello sensed this and broke the contact, snuggling up to his lover fro warmth.
"Good night, Mel," he whispered, kissing the blond boy back one last time before settling into a more comfortable position for the night, "and sweet dreams."
- -
The Next Night
"Is this M-Matt?"
"Yeah, it's me. Are you ok? What's that sound?"
"A-are you... are y-you alone right n-now, Matt?"
"No, but are you alright?"
"... You are... not alone? Of the pr-previous times I have -sniff- c-called you... you have always b-been... al-alone. What has ch-changed?"
"Roger made us sleep in the same room. Me, Near, Mello... Yeah. Something about wanting Near to become social, for Mello to calm down, and for me to learn to have some drive. Can't complain though... Wait. L, are you cr-"
"I-I understand... Who are y-you with?"
"I'm just with Mello right now."
"Oh..."
"Do you want me to ask him to leave?"
"W-would you, please?"
"Sure. Just wait a sec."
"..."
"Back. It wasn't easy. Mello wants me to give him details later. He also wants to talk to you when we're done."
"Oh."
"..."
"Are you crying?"
"N-no..."
"..."
"... M-Matt?"
"Yes, Ryuuzaki?"
"I am... in l-love with Raito."
"Yeah, I know that. It was pretty freakin' obvious the first time you started talking about him. You know that, right?"
"Y-yes."
"..."
"..."
"There's something seriously wrong. You're never this quiet... What happened?"
"I do not kn-know how to explain... but I sh-shall make an ef-effort to-"
"Ryuuzaki, I don't want you playing around with eloquence right now. Try not to cry now, ok? Just speak to me. What happened? Why are you crying?"
"... He wanted to take a break and I did not know what to say so he decided that I meant a yes and then we went and caught Higuchi that night and met the Shinigami and said something about not knowing who Kira was and Raito started acting really weird and I got worried, so I wanted to ask him what was wrong and he would not talk to me and has not talked to me for eight days now and I cannot sleep because every time I try to I dream about him and I know you are going to say something about not being able to dream, but I swear this is true and I have been thinking of him like there is no tomorrow and I cannot believe that he has infiltrated my mind to this degree and when I wake up, I find myself more exhausted than before because I miss him so badly and I wish he never asked to take a break because now I wish I had said something and I did not mean to insult him when I was asking if he was Kira when Amane-san brought the recording and I did not know he would react like this because I thought he was just tired of hearing the accusations over and over again and knew that it was part of the act to make sure the Task Force did not know about us and I just cannot think at this moment because my head is pounding from the massive amounts of sugar that I ingested over the last eight days without really using to think because I was worrying instead and unable to think straight from the lack of, well, to put it quite simply, the lack of logic I possessed in my own mind, which is quite a pathetic and uncharacteristic thing to-"
"L."
"Oh... My apologies."
"Well, I'm just glad you were able to get that all out. From what I understand, it's nighttime in Japan. Raito must be sleeping."
"Yes, he is."
"Are you sure? Last time you said so, he was already awake when you thought he wasn't."
"Well, there is no chance that he is awake. I waited approximately 45 minutes to make sure he was asleep before I called you."
"Alright then, but keep your voice down. He might hear you."
"Yes..."
"... L, I've never seen you act like this before. You're never this submissive, this passive. I'm sorry, but I'm not sure how I can help you. The best I can do is ask you some questions to see how you're feeling. Is that okay with you?"
"Yes."
"I'm going to start now."
"Shoot."
"Bang!"
"No, I meant for you to begin."
"Yeah, haha, I know. I'm just glad I got you to smile. Don't tell me you didn't, I could hear it in your voice. Anyways, first question: Why do you think Raito is acting like this toward you?"
"Because he is mad at me calling him Kira. I should have vocalized my thoughts and enlightened him. I only referred to him as a Kira suspect to maintain appearances before the Task Force. Any questioning relating to our private relationship would be unwelcome and quite frankly a complication. But there may be another reason..."
"Such as?"
"Perhaps because I failed to protest to the mention of taking a break, he is angry at me. I am not quite sure. I was just too shocked to respond. You know how I am, Matt. How I shut down when I am shocked."
"Yeah. You make it seem like you don't care. It's a bad defensive, really."
"Yes, I am quite aware of that. Maybe I should learn to adapt my facial expression to my true feelings. Perhaps looking aloof is not the wisest way to project myself when I am shocked."
"Precisely. Anyways, does that sound like him to you? Do you think he is the kind to get emotional like this over something like that?"
"I do recall that he can be quite an emotional person. I suppose he does get emotional to this degree, but this is an extremely un-Raito-like response. At the greatest, I fear that a recent change in the investigation is the cause of his behavior."
"Then what is a Raito response?"
"The Raito I love would be more inclined to dissuade me from referring to him as a Kira suspect, not distance himself. That is why I feel something is wrong."
"..."
"..."
"Well..."
"Well?"
"Well, I don't have anything left to ask. Do you think you can take the ball from here?"
"Yes. Thank you, Matt."
"Then Good Night, L. Please try to get some sleep. I worry about you, ya know."
"Yes... Good Night."
- -
The redhead laid his entire face into the pillow, inhaling the scent of chocolate and Mello (not that the two really smelled much different). Part of him hoped that the comforting, familiar scent would help calm him. Tears that shouldn't be his were soaking into the fluffy down, mingling and soiling its whiteness. They had started during the call, but he would not allow the sobs to leak into his voice. L was instable and that scared him. Although Matt had wholeheartedly supported the relationship at the beginning, he was sure he now despised this Raito fellow. Regardless of the circumstances and intentions, no one should be allowed such emotional control over his best friend. No one.
The darkness that surrounded him felt both foreboding and welcoming. He wished that there would be a stop in time. Maybe not his time, but L's time. Brilliant
"Matty?"
A light weight settled by his midsection, dipping the mattress slightly and caused him to roll against the invader. Invaders. Plural, he realized as he looked up to see both Near and Mello sitting on his bed, side by side. They were within proximity of one another harmoniously for the first time. He had not heard either of them enter. Near could sneak up on him without making as much noise as skin brushing upon skin did, that was certain, but Mello didn't have that kind of both natural and trained stealth. The fact that he was able to enter the room without having been heard meant either he must not have left the room and stayed outside the door or Matt must have been further immersed in his tears than he had though before. The former hypothesis was confirmed as he looked into Mello's eyes and worried tears began to leak out of those clear, bright orbs. The passionate blond had heard Matt's words. Similar tears were dripping down the pale face that was next to his lover's tanned one. Near's hands were fisted against his cheeks, hurredly wiping away silent tears, slowly showing more slight signs of frustration as he could not ebb the flow. The sight was uncharacteristic, yet fitting.
"Y-yes, Mel? Near?" he ventured, not fully trusting his own voice at the moment.
He should have been surprised as both of the boys collapsed upon Mello's bed, but the present situation allowed this arrangement to pass without question. Matt pulled the blanket over their bodies, squeezing Mello against him and Near after. The three lay in the small bed together, comforted by one another's body heat and identical tears. The rare sight only increased as Matt reached behind Mello to wipe away one of Near's tears. Sensing the movement, Mello brushed a hand behind him to find the feather-soft fingertips of the paler boy. He pulled the hand over his hip and held it to his stomach. A transparent heat contacted his backside and small drops of moisture gathered in a pool against his pajama top. Mello turned his attention back to Matt, planting a feathery kiss against his boyfriend's lips and giving Near's trembling hand a reassuring squeeze. They needed each other tonight.
No one wanted to speak, but the question was unavoidable and the asking was inevitable.
"L's not okay, is he?"
- -
Another tear met the pillow. He wasn't supposed to hear any of that. L had waited for him to fall asleep to make that call, but had failed to check if the brunet had truly fallen asleep. Raito had been faking restful states of unconsciousness lately, but not to be deceptive. It was because that method was the only pre-sleep activity able to lead him into a dreamless slumber.
Although Raito had asked for a mere break, he had been neglecting L for too long. Part of him was unsure of whether or not he was intentional with his avoidance or not. All he knew was that this supposed 'break' had become the cut off of their previous relationship. In simpler terms: it was no longer a break. Then something seemed to have slapped him across the face when he heard L's tear-filled words of regret and self-loathing. Those words evoked nothing but pity for the older man. He was losing everything that had made him L, the great detective. And with this change, the older man was gaining nothing. Raito had not become interested in L because he was handsome. 'Handsome' would never be able to describe his look. That was the kind of words reserved for Raito, and he was almost ashamed to admit that. No, that panda-eyed detective was something different. His body was not sleek and made of shallow-dipping curves, but rather angles and strangely smooth skin that was pale and almost transparent around the abdomen. Lack of sleep had made his eyes dark and dead, something that always intrigued Raito. The dull look was a thing of mystery and seemed to have a constant flitting of thought behind it. It was almost as though the eyes were as dark as L was. Soulless and empty, almost, with a calculating, evaluating, scrutinizing look. Raito had become interested in L because he was, quite simply, an alluring mystery that was begging to be solved. All these quirky imperfections made him... well, not perfect. Perfection was a flaw in itself. These quirks made him ideal.
And when L had seemed to truly begin to experience human emotion with Raito, he had begun to lose his sense of self as a detective. He became human as well. As Kira, this should have been a sign that the new age was dawning and that a world guided by righteous judgment was to soon be reached.
But as L's former lover, he knew this was a sign to be worried about and for the older man. Hearing his ex-lover's words shocked him out of being Kira. Although L's eyes had always been far-off and almost glassed over when looked at, those dark orbs still had a sparkle in them when Raito spoke his name. Whether it was the title of L or the code 'Ryuuzaki,' the small glint of happiness was reflexive. Now that light was gone and he had done something wrong. He'd never wanted to forget about what they had, but in the end, he had forgotten. He hadn't meant to hurt L, only to take a break.
L... How long did I forget about 'us'? How could I just... when did all this time pass? What have I done?
He loved L, but was this personal happiness worth the work that would be abandoned if he let his double life as Kira go? Was Raito's personal happiness worth more than what he was so close to accomplishing? Humans are innately selfish. He knew this. Something was going to change and if he could do it now, he would.
Trying his best not to shake the two beds too much or to shake the insomniac awake, he turned slowly in his bed until he could see his panda. Raito reached out a fingertip to brush against L's cheekbones, realizing the skin was stretched taut over the bones beneath. The raven-haired man was thin enough to begin with and this new body shape, lifestyle, and mentality was almost as corrosive as being written a slow, degrading by the Shinigami themselves. Any longer and L's life would be in true danger. Raito, despite the various circumstances, potential outcomes, and hidden motives, could very well cease to function if L fell apart. The way he was treating his body now was comparable to the slow deathly torture of a porisoner of war, except this was self-inflicted. Less than two weeks and this was had had happened. Raito needed to stop his ex-lover's behavior before it killed him.
I'm glad I remembered. I needed this. And I still I need you.
And with the lack of true sleep he'd suffered over the past few days, he knew the revelation would be reassuring (in the sense that a course of action was possible) and worrying. Regardless of what he wanted, tonight, Raito would be dreaming.
 minikimii · Sat Dec 13, 2008 @ 04:10am · 0 Comments |
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