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Like I almost said, I really don't know what to say. I'm feeling rather content right now, in one of those moods where I feel like I don't need an anti depressant. Well sorta, there is a little bit of a heavieness on my chest. We'll investigate that later. Basically, lets give a recap of the past few days. It's been 3 days since my last journal, and as always when time progresses things happen. I really don't have a special event to speak of at the moment. Honestly I'm really bored, and my mind seems kind of empty. So I figured I'd try and get things moving again. I've been hanging out with Kelly and Elo, something that's become pretty regular and I'm enjoying it. Also hung out with the MBC as I'll call them since it's a larger group and I don't feel like saying... typing everybodys name. Oh! Story, sorta.
So I was hanging out at my house sunday night waiting for Kelly to call, I think I wrote this in me last journal. Anyway, it turns out that EVERYBODY who I thought was busy was actually at Joels house, just hanging out. So I finally decided to break down and call Joel. And that's when I found this out. They kind of stuck it in my face, kind of like pay back for not hanging out with them for a while. I guess I deserve it cause I'm sort of letting Kelly hog me. (insert happy emoticon) Anyway, I went over after talking to Joel cause he said I could, and hung out there for like an hour and a half. They were watching Firefly, which is a very awesome series. I have yet to watch it all though. I digress. It was, interesting. Like usual not much happened, a little talking, no actions, eventually got boring. Ya' see, the thing I love most about hanging out with Kelly and Elo is there's almost always something to talk about.... more on this later. Eventually the night ended and I went home unsatified with the company I had with me. Monday came and I was able to see Kelly and Elo and I was happy. Havn't been in that horrible depressed mood for a couple days now. Who knows, just admiting I need help is making me better.
Talking with Kelly and Elo. There's always something that comes up, always a conversation where your opinion matters. No if, and, or buts about it. That's the difference between the two groups I hang out with. My opinion is subject to vicious kanids in the MBC, where it's torn apart cause I think I'm not the most respected in the group. With Kelly and Elo, they make it seem like my opinion is almost like fact. Or very close to it. They make me feel like what I have to say is more important then what they have to say at times. And I love this cause despite all my humblness, I like being better then people. I revel in other people miss fortune sometimes. It makes me feel bad when I go back and thing on it, but I'm only human. Again, I digress. The one thing, no not the one or only thing. A thing that bothers me is that it gets hard when it's just Kelly and I. She seems to close up a bit with out Elo, which can be understandable. But it bothers me because like I've said in previous journals, I want to be her better then best friend again. And that's hindered when she clams up. But she's not really to blame, I hold my tongue a lot cause I'm not sure what my limitations are. I don't want to say something in an attempt to get over a taboo and find that I just disgust her and she feels like she can't be along with me. Today seemed different, cause we were able to talk about really grose kind of stuff that I think most genders don't share with eachother unless they're going out or something close to that. There are things I'm almost dying to ask her, but I just don't want to beat a dead horse. She has enough s**t to deal with she doesn't need mine. Repetative drama of Ray.
Like masturbating a roten cucumber!
Excuse me.... But like everything in life you have to build up from scratch mostly. With Kelly and I it's like there was the magnificent building, it was beautiful and majestic. Unfortuanatly it wasn't built to the best of it's ablility and begane to degrade under stress. Eventually it colapsed into a heap of jaged rubble. A mess no construction crew would want to deal with except for the ones who origionally built it. Sadly they went on vacation for 6 months and when they came back it had grown over with shrubs of all sorts. Like an old Irish castle. I'd say that this new building is 46% done. The rubble was cleared, a new plan was drawn up, and it's going to be better then it can ever be. It'll last the test of time, and be a hub of social awe. I can't wait for it to be done.
I had another thought... wait for it..... wait.... SHANNON! I think that's how you spell her name. I havn't said anything about this woman ever simply because I've been with her.... thrice? Anyway, she and I seem to be in the same boat, with the whole kelly and Elo dating. Cept the concencise is that I'm awesome and dealing with it extreamly well, and she's being an angsty b***h. So to ease some of the tention with in the group I almost pulled her aside and talked with her breafly to get her mind off things. Obviously Elo and Kelly were there so Shannon was not a happy camper. I thought it was funny cause I realized how I could have been, and I'm so happy I didn't go down that path. Let me tell you though, you as in nobody cause no one reads this, that woman is pretty fricking hawt. If there were anybody besides Kelly that I found attractive for no reason, it would be her. She's got more sex appeal then Kelly cause she wants it more. Which is something Kelly and I discussed today, Kelly exclusive. Whoa... the words just shifted it looked like in the paragraph above this one. ANYWAY! I think her and I can get along really well cause we have something in common, though I'm not as bitchy about it and would rather make friends then enemies. Huh, I almost feel like tenchi. Cept women arn't the ones after me. The concept like he tries to make everyone happy and solve their problems, and instead of making enemies with them he befriends them. Kinda sorta anyway. Elo gave me her number and told me to call her randomly one day. He said that I'm probably exactly what she needs right now cause I won't accept her female prowess... or something along those lines. I'm kind of on the fence about that, cause if she wanted to do me.. well I'll probably jump on the chance just for kicks and to get it over with. On the other hand, I feel this way now, but when women come to me I get really.... skidish? Very timid, and unsure. Simply because it's unknown territory. Emmy is a good example, but she was also kind of slutty and I was afraid I would have gotten something. Raymond, always going off topic. So I think I'll give her a call one day when I have nothing to do, who knows it might work. I did want to tell her that if she ever needed someone to talk to she could call me, didn't happen so that's why it's going down this path. We'll see what happens.
School. Another major topic of a young adults life. Tomorrow I'm gonna go to NOVA and get things under way to go there for at least a semester. Once I get things going there I'm gonna apply to GMU, and go to AIW to drop out officially. The only thing I'm worried about is financial aid. That stuff can be such a hassle sometimes. For those of us who have experienced this. Who the hell am I talking to anyway? If you read this just comment so I know if anybody is getting this, just say I'm a freak and need to get over bullshit or that my mother is a duck who wears crock boots. SOMETHING!
Another topic that I've been thinking about and something Kelly and I discussed breifly is why women don't seem to be attracted to me. The joury is still out on that one.
I need to work on my posture, I hope my future isn't or doesn't get ******** up, and I just want to be with friends when I get older. This essay is done.
~Melly out.
 melidserke · Wed Nov 16, 2005 @ 06:17am · 1 Comments |
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