And I'll be darned if I've ever hated a teacher, no matter how they treated me.
School is a miraculous privilege that should NEVER be taken for granted. The work is easy, and sometimes even fun. The teachers are hard-working, self-less beings full of integrity and wisdom, and should never be held in a regard lower than one's highest.
But...
I just can't stand to be in school. Why is that?
It's this girl. She's so wonderful. So pretty. So giving. So fashionable. So smart. So confident and talented...
I hate her.
Aside not getting attention at home (which I understand and actually hate to complain about), and not being very well noticed online (due to my lack of hot pics? yes.), school is the only place I can even hope to be noticed at the moment.
I thought moving to the success center would boost my feelings of self-worth, because only three girls go there, and there are lots of boys... but I underestimated the power of Ashley...
She's sleeping with two of the boys in the class as far as I know. And they constantly touch her and tell her "I love you" during class. I thought the teachers would AT LEAST notice this one boy fingering her during science hour, but whoops! Wrong again.
She gets all of the attention from the other boys too, who you'd think would have lower standards seeing as how they're all pretty heavy... and I thought most men didn't like sharing women?
Anyway, a new boy came into our class today. He was the first one of the boys to even give me a glance. I thought "No way! I'm not a ghost!?". But then Ashley set her hottopic shoes in his lap and gave him a kissy-face.
Needless to say I stopped existing to him...
I'm not looking for love, or sex... it just wouldn't hurt to feel like I matter... at least a little? Some of the time?
I feel terrible to act like I like myself. Or that everything is totally cool... I mean, I do, and it is... or is it?
I pride my shyness. It gives me character and attracts the bolder men. But how could I compete with HER, even if I weren't shy!?
Goodness, I wish I were blessed with those natural ways of seduction... I mean, no man has ever denied I was the best they've had in the sack, but making them want to do that with me is... tricky...
Regardless, I can't fight that these feelings are interfering with my work...
I can;t concentrate when they rub on each other... I can't write with her moaning...
I've been getting B's and C's on my recent work from questions I forgot and answers that were just paraphrases of what Ashley was saying at the time...
This jealousy is eating me alive, dagummit!
Anywho, goodnight all...
I hope this gets better...
