It is so ******** annoying. I swear I am insane or something.
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Quote:
Example:
I need to start taking drugs or something because I'm can't deal with this stuff anymore. How can I even go around doing that? Stand on a street corner and scream out that I'm willing to buy? Look on Google for a guide to buying drugs? "Buying drugs: an Internet users guide." lol
Then the rational side of my brain (lol I wrote Brian) has a go at me:
Am I really so weak that I need to abuse substances to stay alive? What have I been telling myself, and everyone else? I'm so healthy and untainted by anything like that; I don't take aspirin when I have a headache, I don't smoke or drink, everything I eat is very healthy and I even don't use products on my face or skin. Why do I suddenly need to take drugs?!
I need to start taking drugs or something because I'm can't deal with this stuff anymore. How can I even go around doing that? Stand on a street corner and scream out that I'm willing to buy? Look on Google for a guide to buying drugs? "Buying drugs: an Internet users guide." lol
Then the rational side of my brain (lol I wrote Brian) has a go at me:
Am I really so weak that I need to abuse substances to stay alive? What have I been telling myself, and everyone else? I'm so healthy and untainted by anything like that; I don't take aspirin when I have a headache, I don't smoke or drink, everything I eat is very healthy and I even don't use products on my face or skin. Why do I suddenly need to take drugs?!
Quote:
Another example:
I really just want you to be here and understand me. I want you to tell me I'm normal and everything is okay. I MISS YOU and I haven't even lost you.
Rational side:
This is so stupid. Why am I doing this? Are these tears even worth it? I mean, not in the sense that Brian isn't worth it -- because he really ******** is -- but that am I going to be able to last long enough to finally have him for real? Is he even going to be able to deal with me for that long?
Another rational thought:
Why am I crying about this? Do normal people even think about this? This is really stupid and pointless. I wish I could just stop. Why is crying a symbol of despair?
******** up thought:
WHY THE HELL AM I NOW DISCUSSING WHY CRYING HAPPENS?!
I really just want you to be here and understand me. I want you to tell me I'm normal and everything is okay. I MISS YOU and I haven't even lost you.
Rational side:
This is so stupid. Why am I doing this? Are these tears even worth it? I mean, not in the sense that Brian isn't worth it -- because he really ******** is -- but that am I going to be able to last long enough to finally have him for real? Is he even going to be able to deal with me for that long?
Another rational thought:
Why am I crying about this? Do normal people even think about this? This is really stupid and pointless. I wish I could just stop. Why is crying a symbol of despair?
******** up thought:
WHY THE HELL AM I NOW DISCUSSING WHY CRYING HAPPENS?!
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I really should get help or something. Or just find someone who can tell me if this is normal. But do you know how hard that would be? It would be nearly impossible to explain everything because I can't. I just can't. I'm so insecure, that even me thinking about people judging me makes me scared.
I'm sick of everything. I don't want to die, I just want it to be over. Or there to be a symbol of hope that could just... guide me.
I don't want a God, because they don't exist in my eyes. I just need light, because this tunnel is far too dark.
Edit:
I realised this isn't even 10% of what goes through my head. burning_eyes
