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I've been drinking since Friday. Nothing is really wrong or anything. I guess the closer it gets to our big day the more I start thinking about the past. This year has been really big for me. I have gone through a lot of changes. I keep trying to think of all the good things that have happened between myself and T but the more I think about it the more I think about all the good things T has done for me and all the hurtful things I've done to him.

I hate myself for what I've done to Tobias. There is just no excuse for it and there is nothing I can ever do to make up for it. It makes me feel so awful whenever I think about it. I know that T has forgive me for it. T will forgive me for anything but I guess I'm just having a really hard time forgiving myself. That happens to me a lot so I've noticed.

I don't think my drinking has really effected anything right now. I've been having some wierd dreams lately though - I don't know what that's about...