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So a long time ago, like 8000 years or something, some prude-a** mother ******** came over to New York and they were all liek LOL WE MAEK COLONY NOW

so they mowed down the Indians with machine guns, black magic, and turkey dinners. after that, 12 other colonies sprung up all along the east coast.

Things were pretty awesome for a while. But then Britian got this HUGE stick up it's a** and King George wuz all LOL *TAXTAXTAX* and pissed us off.

A bunch of the colonial peeps went "******** THAT *****" and wanted to be a country, so they wrote up this s**t called the Declaration of Independence. It said "To that punk-a** f** King George: You suck a**, dude. We're gunna do our own thing now. We dun wanna shoot at ch'all or nuffin, so don't be a little b***h and let us go, aight?"

But that f** said "suck my did, Colonies. I OWN YOU, b***h" and all hell broke loose.

The british army was all linin up in red coats lookin for us, but we were a bunch of dirty farmers with hunting rifles that had help camouflaging from the indians and hid in trees. The French thought the British sucked a** at the time, too. So they were all "HAI GUYZ WE CAN HELP YALLZ" so they helped out. Then we developed that spiral in the barrel for longer, more accurate shots and REALLY ******** up the red coats

We ******** their s**t RIGHT up.

They went home and pretty much gave up and we were all ******** YEAH

And America was born C":