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Have you ever been so depressed that you just don't get happy about anything anymore? I mean I used to love going to theater class, internet, talking on the phone, reading etc. But I don't like any of those things anymore. Nothing motivates me. All I think about now is my past family life, and how I lost the one person that I loved and wanted to marry. He said he wanted to marry me too. I thought I was over him, but I'm obviously not. I hate it. Why does he have to do this to me? Why can't we still be together? I know that I shouldn't let just one guy get me to this point. But it's hard. I shared so much with him. I opened my self up to him. He knows everything about me. It's all lost now. My heart has bleed to ash, and it hurts. I don't mean just emotionally, because all that emotion is so much that it makes my heart physically hurt. Just one line a song can make me cry. I wonder what will happen when I see him for Sakura con. Will I just break down into tears? Will I hug him and silently cry? Would he turn away? Will it be just like old times? Will he realize that he doesn't have to hide his feelings? Why does he feel that he has to just so that he won't lash out? That's what he says anyway. I don't understand. I miss him. I wish we still had a future together. That I could still say I love you, without causing an awkward silence. I wish that he could understand my hurt. I wish that he could feel the overwhelming sadness, grief, frustration, and hurt that I have. How much I truly loved/love him, and how much I willing to be with him, and how much he meant to me. That I feel as if a part of me is gone. So, much that I usually enjoy is what he introduced me to. I hate this... It makes me want to cut again. But I won't. I hope I don't. And it doesn't help very much when people are always putting you down. They don't understand what I"m going through. They don't see it. Even if they did they wouldn't understand. They wouldn't be able to help. Because they don't know how. I want to quit hurting. Why does it have to hurt this much. Why do I have to cry no matter where I go? Hardly matters what song plays, or what someone says now. Why can't I give up hope on him? Why can't I move on. I thought I had. My whole being is always sighing, always waiting, always in suspense, always hidden in a dark room, and no one knows why or how I got there, not even me. Does he know? I wish he was here, but why? Why would it help when he's the one that did this to me?
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