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::When You Reach The Bottom...::

The only way you can go is up.

Yeah, my mom is dead. But I'm still here. I'm still alive. I still have all the things that we always get so upset over because we realize that someone that has died can't have it anymore.

I can still laugh and see the people that I love and care for. I can still look into the fathomless dark sky and trace the familiar pattern of stars with my eyes.

It's odd when what you want more than anything in the world is the ability to see someone smile with a whole heart. The disease of sadness and darkness plagues everyone around you like ink in water.

No, I'm not going to apologize for being sad. And I'm not going to say that I feel like it's my fault that everyone's depressed. That's exactly what I would have done or said before I knew what real pain felt like.

It's hard to explain, but...I went to Target earlier. Normally I'd feel very uncomfortable wearing that without any of my friends because the look is so goth and because I generally feel insecure wearing clingy tops. Like how white I am and the flabbiness of my arms.

At any rate, I didn't care. I wouldn't have been sad or angry if someone had laughed. I would have liked to see someone laugh, even if it was at my expense. Just to hear laughter. Just to know that laughter still exists.

Why can't I- why shouldn't I live without chains? How could I possibly consider myself wronged by the world? It would be a hollow victory if I went around spreading the darkness that has accumulated on my heart and actually managed to affect someone with it. Would it not be a much better thing to be the object of another's wit? What good will it do to add hate to hate?

We are still alive; thus, we always have the potential to laugh. We still have the chance to see beauty, appreciate it, and maybe even add to it.

I am just one girl. One girl, in all the world. Something within is burning, withering and dropping away into the ashes that surround my feet. Underneath is new, tender, and incomprehensible.

The world is going on all around us, do you know that? It doesn't care about any of this. The collective cloud over the world only darkens a little bit.

I always fear because I don't want to lose what I have. Things that don't have a name or a clear form. Why am I so afraid? I think that now I realize....I realize that I am not quite as fragile as I thought. If I can withstand this...how does every other petty fear compare? What lies beneath the unknown isn't necessarily bad. There may even be rewards and happiness there.