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I'm sure everyone has gotten the vibe, the feeling, from either reading or watching my videos on my profile, maybe it's both. Either way, you've felt there is something wrong with me once more.

I know it is serious but it isn't.

DON'T YOU DARE CALL ME A DRAMA QUEEN!

I have a mental illness. It is a medical condition. It is still here. I know it because I live it. The ache from day to day.

I have no desire to have these feelings anymore. I have no desire to ever want to end my life or hold blades. I have no desire to cause pain to my own body to escape the emotion.

I want to get rid of these, if I can, forever. I think I need to go in once more to make that possible.

What brought this on:
My roommates and I were having a girls night, talking about sex and turn-ons. Girl things. One of my roommates took out her books on sex, orgasms, things girls do to mess their lives up, and getting over childhood troubles. Self help books of sorts. This caused Hannah to bring up how she was emotionally and verbally abused as a child. This while time I am readingthebooksto see ifthere isanyhting ongetting over past relationships or something to help me with the while "Axel" thing. Nothing. So then I tell them about the hallucinations and addiction. Hannah, who has been through a LOT of therapy, advised me to go into therapy again but this time Private practices. She told me they are a lot more personal and talking to it about someone like that might help finding the root of the problem.

Just ignoring the ache and pain isn't working. I can always feel it. It is always there, feeding the lonliness. I need Axel still. I can't say it more than once. I endanger myself. I can't. Just knowing I have that limit scares me. I can't have that limit. I need it gone. I need it understood. Why? Why? The question that kills. The question that began it. The question that could end it all...

I kinda want to go back in. I'm going to talk to my parents but reassure them that it isn't their fault. I don't want to kill them again. I have to but I don't want to. The least I could do is try to save them the tears and endless pain once more. Maybe this time around it will be easier?

I can only hope.