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Good evening…. I’m not entirely sure why I’m writing this, not entirely sure if I’m even going to do anything with this. Just felt like writing for awhile now, kept putting it off, telling myself there was no point in writing these thoughts down, there was no point of giving other people the satisfaction that they were still on my mind, and it’s for this reason that people will probably never read this, hell once I get done typing it I’m probably just going to delete it. I can’t stop myself from thinking, as profound as that sounds, my mind is constantly churning, and I rarely like the thoughts. Like always I can’t sleep at night, and it pisses me off. Every little thing I’ve done wrong bites me in the a** once the lights go out, not even things I’ve done wrong persay, but things that I could have done better at. Ways I could of delt with people, ways I should have delt with people. Things I could have said, wondering what I could have done, what I should have done. The thing that pisses me off the most is what someone told me awhile ago, in an argument with a ‘friend’, one that to this day I still think I was right about, she was looking for anything she could say to hurt me, and used that lovely line whatever helps you sleep at night. Everyone always uses things like that to hint to someone not being able to sleep because they can’t deal with who they are, primarily bad people… I don’t think I’m a bad person…. I’ve kept a very strict moral code, very clean look on myself… I’ve tried to be the type of friend that I’d want to have, tried to help anyone that ever came my way… I want nothing more than to make my friends life better, to in some way shape or form make the world better… I don’t think anyone with that kind of mindset can be a bad person… And yet I constantly feel like s**t. I’ve always been able to look at things and kinda figure how they’ll play out, and yet again this gift plagues me, because I can look at myself and know exactly where these choices are going to lead me. Right now I see myself alone, no woman I’m any kinds of close to, two friends if I’m lucky and don’t screw that up, and a life sucking job… Probably going to end up moving into a studio alone to escape this house, which will just crush any chances of meeting people and improving my social life… And yet it feels like there’s little I can do to stop it. If I sit back and think about when this started, it’d probably be the night my parents tried to kill each other. I don’t know why, and hate to admit that I’m some booked psych case. I thought I buried that bone, my parents split, oh well get over it, yet it still seems to eat away at me. Could I have done something to stop this? Should I have done the things I did? If I would have spoken up when I stood on the bottom step watching my dad kick in the door would I still be at home today? If I would have told Susan to leave my father the ******** alone would him and mom still be together? If I would have stopped from getting involved would my mom have custody of the house? It felt like everything was weighing on my shoulders, like I was the only one who could sway things either way, and I thought I was making the right choice. I chose my father, I thought my dad would be best suited to take care of the family, the house…. It wasn’t that I don’t love my mom or anything like that, she just isn’t the same person…. Even now she’s not my mom. She changed, ever sense she started taking that medication. She says she’s happier, she even looks happier, but she’s still not the same person… And when she first started taking the meds she was also drinking, and it made her do stupid things, so I picked my father…. And that stupid ******** betrayed me….. He lost his job and has been living off of government money for nearly a year now, maybe even longer. He’s bounced from woman to woman, stolen money from his own kids… I’m not even talking like twenty or thirty bucks here or there, between the four of us he stole a thousand bucks from our savings accounts. Either way I chose him… Than learned all this… Shortly after the divorce and he got the house he was all nice, there to talk to, for help, more of a father than he was all my life… I shared secrets with him I have been keeping all my life, things most of my friends don’t even know and I had dared to say only one other time, at which time I was seven and my mom threatened to have me committed to a psych ward if I ever said it again… And than things went hellish. He did what he needed to in order to make me trust him, to get me to sway things in his favor. Than he started talking s**t about me, to other people, to my face, it didn’t matter. Telling me how worthless I am, how I’ll never amount to anything, how I never commit myself to anything, how I’m such a failure in life because I never try. I was trying my hardest to make things right, seriously was, but nothing would work in my favor. He started following me around the house, waking me up so he could yell at me, kicking in my door so he could tell me how worthless my life was… But I sat there and took it, I clenched my fists, bit my tongue and just took it. If you have something to say to me boy get it out, he’d say, be a man and actually do something, he’d say…. And well I finally did, I finally got pissed off with nothing ever being good enough for him, finally got pissed off at the s**t he was pulling, the way he was talking about me, to me, and I told him exactly what I thought of him. The b*****d kicked me out. That ******** a** kicked me out of MY HOME where I GREW UP where I SPENT 15 years of MY LIFE. I’ve been living with my mom for about a year now, little more, but it still doesn’t feel like home…. I hate it here, her boyfriends an alcoholic who loves to hear himself talk, never leaves the house, doesn’t work, can’t deal with little kids, and if what I hear is true has been sleeping around on my mom. I can’t stay home because the man pisses me off, and yet I see how happy he makes my mom and can’t do anything about it. Then there’s my siblings, my sister honestly doesn’t bother me, she’s a sister, young, high pitched squeals, clogs up the bathroom for hours on end, nothing that’s not expected of a sister. But my brother pisses me off to no end. He’s so…. Inconsiderate. Orders people around, whines when he doesn’t get his way, brakes my s**t, wakes me up every ******** morning. He’s constantly one of two things, stuffing his face, or glued to a tv, so having a conversation with him is like preaching Shakespeare at a Fairhaven. His only response is, have you seen this level yet, or pass the salt. And of course I have to share a room with him because this house is so small…. Yeah, even though my mom busts her balls working two jobs, barely earning enough to support this house, my dad can it around in that five bedroom house doing absolutely nothing. He doesn’t work, doesn’t try to get work, the only dependant he has is my brother Nick who’s old enough to take care of himself. It pisses me off, how little that man does and yet because of me he has everything handed to him. Than to top things off he can’t even remember me… He goes around splurging on everyone else, buying lucas and Maddie gifts everytime they go out, bought them all an xbox 360, bought them all a wii and a s**t ton of games, promises that he’s going to buy nick a car for graduation. And yet when my birthday comes up I get a 15 dollar gift card for a restaurant I don’t even like. Better yet Lucas slipped up and spilled it to me that the only reason I got that was because they were grocery shopping and Maddie started hounding him about my b day. I’m sorry God, I know you’re not going to enjoy this next part, but I’m going to say it. I absolutely hate that man, hate what he’s done to me, to this family. I wouldn’t call myself a hate filled person, actually I think of myself as a very forgiving person. But he would be the one person I can think of, that if I had the chance to help him, to save his life at no expense to myself, I’d let him suffer. I can forgive people for making stupid mistakes, for lieing to and about me, hell for trying to ruin my girlfriend of three years and my relationship….. But the very thought of the stuff that he did makes my blood boil and makes me want to drive my car back to my home and put something through his skull. It’s bad enough that he did all this s**t to me, but now that I’m not there he’s doing the same s**t to my brother. Nick started texting me the other day, complaining that dad was going on about how worthless he is and a whole ton of other stuff, and it really struck me, because it is exactly what he was doing to me, it didn’t stop, didn’t change, he did it all to me, swept me under the rug and without a thought just moved right along.

I didn’t realize how much I had on my mind…. I didn’t really plan on making this a rant about my father, it just kinda came out…. What I wanted to talk about tonight is my friends, or people in general…. As I said I find myself being alone in the future, first off when it comes to friends. It really annoys me, because I’ve always told myself that a man isn’t measured by how much money he makes, or how much stuff he has, but by what his friends are willing to do for him. And yet I look at my friends and find myself rather disappointed. I have two friends, two people that I could trust and that I think would trust me. Two people that I would do anything for and I think would return the favor. The depressing thing is looking at how things have gone, and are going, I really wonder how long that’ll last. Yes I have more ‘friends’ than those two, people I hang out with, people I call friends, people that call me friend, people that step in and out of life as they please. Breezes as some people refer to them, people that show up, smile, and leave. It kinda upsets me. Most of the breezes use to be really good friends, people I would do anything for and yet simply don’t seem to care, or care half the time, or when it’s brought to their attention. It seems like the people I care most for end up hating me….. The people I try hardest to be there for, to help… And it’s not even a weak school yard hatred, but a burning passion that makes them wish they never met me. Christina, whom I spent countless hours talking to as she was hospitalized, helping her deal with issues, trying to help her get a job, someone I did bend backwards for, sold me away. Told me that I was the reason she was hospitalized and that she will forever blame me for her injury, that she never wants to speak to me again and hopes I die. Emily… someone I made sure I was there for simply because no one else was. A complete stranger that I saw, who needed help, needed someone to talk to, just needed someone to be there for her because her own ‘friends’ and family wouldn’t. I extended my hand, and well… I was there for her, and she knew it…. Knew it to well. She ended up using me to pick herself up, than using me for countless other things. Playing off of my likes to get what she wanted, acting like she was my friend so I’d continue to be there for her, at one point acted like she was romantically interested in me in order to manipulate me to do what she wanted. In the end I caught onto the fact that it was all an act, I tried talking to her many times which lead to endless months of on and off fighting. I called her out on it and she’d deny it and guilt trip me and do everything in her power to make me feel bad, then come back and claim to be trying to change only to start things all over again. Even though I know she just plays me, I can’t help but feel drawn to her, to wonder if she’ll ever actually grow. It sounds stupid, even to myself, but part of me wishes, hopes, to hear from her again, even if it is just to fight more, just so I know she hasn’t forgotten about me... Than there’s the alone in the romantic aspect… I’ve been in two serious relationships, each of which I think could have worked out if things would have played out right, each of which didn’t. My first was with a lovely lady I’ll never forget. A girl I was with for three years. We weren’t perfect for each other, but we were pretty damn close… I’m not entirely sure what went wrong between us to be honest, I don’t think there was any one thing that was wrong… Time just took it’s toll upon us, and in the end we didn’t feel the same as we had started. I can’t speak for her, but in the end I felt like I was portraying love to keep a friend. And it dug at me… I felt horrid for leading her on, for acting upon emotions I didn’t have… I tried talking to her about it many times, but the discussions always seemed to end the same, we’d agree to talk about it another time. Until finally I just spilled. I remember the night as clear as day… It wasn’t suppose to play out like it did, I was going to try and wait until after her birthday before asking for a brake, for some time to figure out where I wanted to be in life. But we had this big romantic night planed out, as romantic as the two of us get >.< And even though the emotions wasn’t there I was going to play the role, do what needed to be done to make her happy, to make her feel like the queen she deserved to be…. But something about that night made it all jump up and bite me in the a**. I just couldn’t do it anymore, and I told her… We ended up braking up that night… I remember bawling my eyes out like a little girl…. I didn’t cry when I found my mom’s suicide note… Didn’t cry when my parents split… But I can’t think of a night that I cried more than when me and her broke up, even though I wanted it to happen… As backwards as that sounds… I think I cried so much because as soon as I asked for the brake up I knew what was going to happen to us… That lovely little gift kicked in and I knew where we’d be in a year or two… and sitting from where I am now and looking back at life I’d say things ended up just as I expected back then…. I still have a lot more I want to talk about, but finally find myself tired enough to sleep… at four in the morning I’m finally tired enough to fall asleep :-/ I think I’m going to lay down, see if I can’t get to sleep now, I’m going to make sure I come back tomorrow and finish this.