I often confuse being unappreciated and the way other people appreciate me as being different. I continuously think that other people don't like me enough or don't trust me enough because of the things they do for me. Compared to what I do for them, it seems really uneven for a friendship. That's where I'm wrong though. You see, I live like I could die any day with my friends. I treat them like the grand raj jahs because I want them to know everyday of their lives that they are loved. They are loved. I think they try to show me too but... they don't have the give it all strength that I have. I mean they have strength but... they won't give their all everytime they see me. Get what I'm trying to say.
I shouldn't push them down so far. I have sinned against them and do over and over again. I want to stop. I don't understand it though. I don't understand their friendship. I don't understand it at all. I don't. I love them all. I love them.
Love isn't something physical that you can quite describe. For me it's the knowledge that you can't imagine a world without them. That is love. But I feel love for every one of them SO HOW THE ******** CAN I KNOW WHAT LOVE IS! HOW CAN I KNOW INTIMACY IS FRIENDSHIP IS THE SAME EXACT THING?! I don't understand at all.
I finally finished Eureka Seven, which might be affecting me a bit more than usual. In general though, I've been crying a lot this week. I can cry without forcing it. I always ******** pick the couples that are evil or die. I always pick movies that make me cry even though they have a happy title or cover. I try. I do. I DO!
I keep repeating that I have a doctor's appointment to people because I'm scared. I am just waiting for someone to tell me, don't worry. I hate the Dentist. That's the whole different thing though ^^ I can still smile. It feels good but... empty.
I'm staying in San Francisco for the Fourth and at this point, I don't ever want to think about going back to Sacramento again this summer. The only thing I can think of to make me want to go back is my sewing project but that is probably all for nothing.
All for nothing because I'm going to be betrayed, I know it. I know it. I can feel it in my bones. I can feel it itching under my skin. I'm going to be betrayed.
I'm trying to get rid of this toxicity so half this s**t is really depressing. I know it is. I don't really ever read these so it's kinda like my way of venting right now... dun dun dun. Yea, this one's gonna be a long one cause I've wanted to write on here for a while but never really got to it, prolly cause I wanted to finish Eureka Seven. Now I can keep working on Reborn and Soul Eater. -sigh- The cycle that never ends. Damn it all.
On that note, I love circles. They never have rounded edges, no matter how you fold them. Haha! They're amazing! >W< On another note, I'm working on a new profile. I know, it's been a while right? Lawlz. Yup yup.
I want to decorate the ceiling of my room into a door. That way I can imagine the door being the door to my dreams and jump on my bed. Lawlz. I'm such a kid at heart ^^
I still haven't beaten KH 1 yet but I'm close. I'm level 45 and need to beat Maleficent as a Dragon then Riku for the second time but that's easy. I can't beat the time trials of the Colesium for some reason T.T I suck. Lawlz. I seriously can't fathom how I beat it in the first place. So sad. It's the only world where I haven't done s**t. >X
I think about what I would want for Christmas or my brithday next year from time to time and the more I think about it, the more I return to the depressing feeling about my friends. It's not really that they suck at giving gifts so much as my unreal expectations. Some of the best gifts I have ever recieved are:
Cardcaptors poster from Christy that I still have in my room
necklace from my aunt KoKo
a gaint poster from Sophomore year in school that everyone signed <3 I still have that posted on my door <3 Ultra love to y'all
necklace from my mom
necklace from my grandma
necklace from my other grandma
manga
cd's from my Dad
shell from my brother -sigh- even though I picked it out it touches my heart deeply because I can look at it and remember him and how goofy we were back then
purse from my mom that is dead now ^^
That's it ^^ If your gifts didn't make the list they were either goofy and cute or just... sucked. I remember a lot of the gifts I have recieved like the shorts from Christy that were red and the top with it... come to think of it I think I still have those buried in my room back home >.> But they don't fit anymore Lawlz. I remember the earring from people and the drawings and cards are stashed away in my room's secret place >] I save them all from all my birthdays and Christmas. ALL THE CARDS >] I can never forget them.
I must admit, sometimes I give up when it comes to my friends. I remember how much I have given before and let myself go easy. Know why? Cause it kills me to see in my mind the comparison and you shouldn't have to be expected to reach so high. There's nothing you can do to stop me from hurting myself someway. I will always hurt myself. Everyone has something they pick on themselves about, my friends is one of those things for me. I don't know whether I should take them in my arms and hug them tight or squeeze their little necks till they start to choke. It hurts cause I have no choice really. I have to bury the hurt. If I tell people then they don't understand what they are supposed to do because they are trying. They are. And I shouldn't expect more than that. I shouldn't so.. then... I have to bury it... bury myself.
The Addict is at it again
