Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

TWO MONTHS EARLIER

My name is Ebony Violet Black. I know there are a lot of kids out there my age who are depressed, and a lot of them cut, and I know that a lot of them have good reasons. But I doubt that most of them have gone through the agony I have.

I doubt any of them had to watch their best friend commit suicide while begging and pleading against it, to no prevail.

Two days ago, I was having a perfectly normal, happy day. Probably the last of my life. After school, my mother allowed me to spend some time at my friend's house. His name was Seth. He was tall for his age, the opposite of me. He was a year and a half older than me, and loved having me over just to hang out.

We were hanging out in his room, when I told him I was getting some water from the kitchen. I left the room and got two glasses of water, one for each of us. Even though he hadn't asked for it, I knew him well enough to be sure that he would steal mine if I didn't get one for him as well.

When I came back into the room, I saw Seth and froze. I was totally unable to move. There he was, right where I had left him... ...only with a knife in his hand. His favorite pocket knife.

Calmly, he greeted me. "Welcome back, Ebony."

I tried to speak, but I could not make any sound come out of my lips. Finally, I managed to gasp, "What are you doing?!"

He smiled sadly and sighed. "What I should have done a while ago. You're getting too close to me. I should have done this when we just barely knew each other. It would have been a lot easier for the both of us. But, never mind that. It's all in the past now... and soon, I will be as well."

I was shaking uncontrollably by that time. "Seth... don't do this..."

He closed his eyes and shook his head. "Ebony... it's for the best. I know that now. Don't mourn my death. You can move on, you can live without me. You can do it. It's for the best."

With that, he brought the knife up into the air. I saw the sun glint on the blade. It all happened in slow motion then. His arm coming back down, my screaming and crying for him to stop, his whispering that it was for the best, and then... ...and then the blood.

The next thing I knew, I was running as fast as I could, crying harder than I ever had, trying to escape the horrible reality that had become mine. I had read about it in books, but I never thought it would happen to me. Especially not Seth. "Why... why Seth... I loved him..." I sobbed as I ran even faster.

I don't remember what happened the rest of that day. I was crying, I know that. I was the living dead. I did not eat or sleep. I still haven't slept, although my mother forced me to eat a little bit for dinner last night. Somehow, I have the very pocket knife Seth used to kill himself. I have no recollection of how I got it, or when, or why. I just know that I have it now. Maybe someday I will use it just as he did. I'll never know for sure until it happens. But until then... I will treasure it and guard it with my life. Or what I have left of a life. For Seth... Seth was my life. But I will do as he wished, I will go on. I will mourn him, but I will live. I will survive. I will go on.