I do not own this story or any of the characters. The story belongs to Luna Imper on fanfiction.net and the characters belong to Ms. Stephanie Meyer.
The Insatiable Greed
“If e’er I did see
There she goes!
A beauty not for me”
What a monster I am. My thoughts are driven by how delectable she would taste, how her smell intoxicates me. I spend time thinking on how I love to hear her heartbeat, yet I selfishly dream of it stopping forever. I dream of spending time with her, except it seems to me that I am always running away from every opportunity I get to be with her. The human within me cries for loneliness to end, but I know that if I end it here, she will give up her own rights. Her own rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. How can she be so sure that I am her pursuit of happiness? Even if the answer were yes for all time, she would still be missing two of her three unalienable rights that every human being should have. I cannot grant her life and liberty by any stretch of the imagination. This kind of thinking will do me in one day.
I know what a monster I am. However, I have never truly evaluated myself in this way before she came along. I never realized these things. I did not fully comprehend how terrible of a creature I am. Of course, I knew that I was ungodly and would wish any day to become human again, but I did not know how villainous I was. When I started thinking thoughts of tearing her skin and taking her life, I knew I was much worse than I had ever been. No one had ever made me think thoughts like that. No one had come close. Even now, I wish to taste her though she is not in the room with me. The thoughts constantly hit me of how close she truly is when considering I could snatch her from her seat in her truck and do that which I fear most. What truly frightens me is that I know she would completely trust me the entire time. She would forgive me every single time I asked and say for me to stop beating myself up over it.
I know she loves me. I love her too. I know I love her more. I know because every single time I give up some of my selfishness and do not act upon those opportunities I dream of. I will fight the monster within myself to be for five seconds in her presence. I will break myself into fragments and let the wind carry them where it pleases if it means she has her life. I know I can control myself. I can stop the monster. I only worry for how long.
How long will she be okay with our relationship? How long will this keep up? Will we forever be in an impasse? I know she dreams of something more. I dreamof a better life for her. I dream of a life that is real, not the surrealism that I can give. Not the very death of herself. She deserves a human life. She may live and grow old with a fellow human being, one who will take care of her needs and cherish her until their time on this planet is up. She will fade away and die, but she will be human. She will have a life.
For all these dreams I have of a real life for her, I cannot help but imagine a life of us together. I cannot help but wish that we could be in this “life” of mine forever. We would be the creatures of the night, but we would be together. I could see each day with her. I could stop the aching in my heart that she causes every time we part. I never realized how incomplete I felt until she came. I realized then that I was only a part of a larger being. I only knew a part of myself. She resurrected another being instead myself. She released my humanity that has been locked away for nearly a century. It is now free and it causes me to weep every time I realize that we were not meant to be. Years ago, I would have said I was more content in this life than in my human life. Now, I feel as though I have lost everything. I am confused as to if I was truly whole then. Or maybe she broke me and scattered the pieces around the world. Maybe that is why I feel so whole around her.
She has no idea as to how powerful she is as a human. Her humanity gives her so much, yet as most humans, she does not push it to the fullest extent. Humans are so strong with life, yet unless they release their passion for life, they will forever be below par. I would never have thought these things years ago. But, she brings such revelations to me. I am different around her. I do not want to admit it, it is quite hard, but she brings out my human side. Yet, for every instance she brings out this humanity, my insatiable greed grows twofold. That blood lust will lead me to do the unthinkable. I can control myself. I will control myself. When it comes to her, I must control myself. She is my key to the world. She is my pathway home.
No, she is my home.
She means the world to me. It is as if the world is in shades of gray and only she can bring a palette and color my world. She colors my very soul. In the depths of my blackest thoughts, she attempts to bring a paintbrush and spread the lightest color she has to ease the pain and alleviate me of my depressing feelings. My own personal sun; come to draw away the rain clouds that bring darkness that shelters me.
Yes, I felt so much secure in those clouds. Those storm clouds hid me and my tedious life of moving was all I knew. Nevertheless, she drew me out. She took me out of my safety and is letting me plummet to a world I thought I had left years ago. A world that I did not ever think I would revisit. Myself drawn to her life. I do not answer her pleas no matter how strong, for it was her life that drew me out. Her life that she wishes me to take. Her breath she wishes me to stop, to live forever with the wind in her face. To live as a minority who are constantly living a life of pretense, a life that is not really living. Only being forced to exist and die under extreme circumstances. What is immortality good for if you can only live within your inner circle? What am I do since she is so human? What can I do? I want her to be part of our inner circle. I want her to be with me forever. But, I also want her humanity. I want to be human just like her. I do not want to be a monster. I especially do not want her to be a monster with me. It is a burden for me to bear. An insatiable greed I am to do deal with. There will never be a chance for me to repent. I cannot take her back from becoming one of us. No way for me to make amends.
The hunger never ends.
The hunger to want her to be with me forever. The hunger to be near her, to feel her, to touch her, to taste her, to know everything about her, the hunger never goes away.
What a monster I am.
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I had a new idear! I'm gonna post fanfiction here! If it is green it is my fanfiction and if it is red it is someone elses! The fan fiction posted here will differ, but it will probably start out as being twilight.
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