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Insomnia. My mind will not stop working. I had an old ******** buddy over because I am bored and awkward enough to think that when he called me to hang out he meant as friends. After his four failed hours of hitting on me and making me so extremely uncomfortable (not to mention how many times I had to bring up stories about how I hate it when guys are forward... oops) we had this weird talk of what life is like through the eyes of a depressed person (me) compared to one of those normal folk (being the kinda-ex). Now I can't stop thinking about how much I psyche myself out for the future.
There's always been this set idea that I'd get married and have kids (family is the most important thing to me), but I realized that I am a junior in college with no romantic interests, mental instability, and a drinking problem. What kind of family man would want reproduce with these genetics? I am getting older yet nowhere. I keep thinking I am gonna hit this age where I get over being crazy. Like all of the sudden I'll outgrow the last six years of depression. What kind of future is left for me when I'm so stuck in the right now? I know who I am at this point, but that doesn't help me understand the world and my purpose or worth to it.
My "friend" had such a clear, rational, realistic vision of who he is going to be in ten years. Not that he cares about the outcome. He even talked about enjoying the challenges and randomness of life. He said he already felt so fulfilled in himself that he could die now and be happy about it. There is just way to many unknowns for me to accept that. There's just so much to grasp between potential and reality that my mind won't stop buzzing. I'm never going to live up the person that I see in the future. But if I don't turn into a mother, then what am I?
I'm at the point where I can either start drinking my mind blank or hope I don't have bad dreams. I know there won't be sleeping for awhile, but when I stress like this my dreams won't settle. I have really vivid, crazy dreams that usually never coincide with anything in reality. But when I'm stressed, I dream images with feelings. There's just so much tension and regret. Things I can't let go of. It's the worst when you can't hide from the love of you life that dumped your crazy a** because he's in all your dreams. And I digress. Another time.