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I really feel like stabbing people now, stab them to no end, stab them repeatedly, just stab, at least just simply stab myself.

After all the years of hardship I've been through, no one really dares to understand.
But then again. . . maybe I really do need to no longer hold of the dark past.

All of the suffering I went through. Maybe I've been holding on these dark memories really to actually brag how long I've been living even with the experiences of harsh reality, the fact that I still haven't really given up on life even with 6 years of bullying and other non-consecutive years of mockery, insults, and beatings I went through. My will to protect myself from all this got me on the wrong side of things that when I was growing up, I've already thought of killing people, simulate that I'd be a murderer and burn in the afterlife anyway. It made me no longer trust people because of the false friendships I've went through for so many times.

Although, when I got on Gaia, that did change. I went away from my recluse, gained people who I believed as my friends but then time by time they vanished, and have forgotten me. I cry for help against this suffering but people ignored me, some simple seemed to show me pity rather than help by friendship, and then the others came to simply make things worse. With this I was angered again, lashing out like the animal I really am. Then again, some merely judged me like how everyone in reality always does. They judge me always for the wrong things, like I'm always the wrong one. Time came again then that my anger came about, it made me realize/fool that some things really are not how I see it.

Heh, me seeing people as tools? Why should I see it that way when I always wanted friends, but then people don't seem to like the idea of seeing me as a real friend. They just consider their reality, not mine. I have mental problems, can't they just get it as well when I do pretty much talk of them all the time? It made me feel that this supposed friends are just one of those bullies, beating me just for the sake of it. I no longer did trust them at the time, I was afraid of trusting them at the time, I was afraid of getting kicked again to my face on how harsh reality really is like what happened every single year. I wanted them to hate me so that they'd forget me, but then I realized how unfair it really was that I just listened to myself and not listen to them, and it made me realize how I did cherish my time with them, and . Some do judge me of just being some attention-whore though and that I want special attention, actually I just wanted them to do see me when I did have more problems which people didn't do, still the judgments just make me more angry due to reasons I may have already said earlier.

Well, the rant is now over. May that help me now to get over that dark past that makes me afraid of trusting people, and make me judge them too.

I trust "HIM" now to try and answer this prayer. I am sorry. . . my lord. . . and I am sorry, my friends.