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Two night ago I think it was, I had a dream where a pink haired man seduced me while I was unconscious, recovering from a neck injury. When I woke he gave me a tally sheet and told me all the times he had made me moan. He said he inflicted pain on me and .... I dunno, I fell in love with him. My mother wouldn't let me see him. She took me to the store even though I didn't want to go. It was the bad store. The store that is near the airport dream. It is the one that scares me. She then took me to the movies. I tried to tell her to let me go. I couldn't escape her without breaking her heart. But... I wanted to be with him because it made me happy.

Last night I know I had a dream as well but I cannot put my finger on it. It wasn't as intense as the former dream, which left me in a daze all day.

Well anyway, I wish it would rain. It was bright today. Nasty sunshine and all that. I went on a walk to the store. Got some supplies to work on Mafia Harem. I suddenly feel as though I am doing most of the work on it. Perhaps because they are my ideas? I need to post there.... I really should. I've been in such a daze these past two days.

I just get so wrapped up in thinking "why should I give them false hope if I hope to kill myself" but really I'm a coward. I'm a sucker. I just want someone to save me in the end. Such selfishness, to want someone's whole heart. I've always wanted to love someone and be loved in return. That devotion is what I hoped to live for. But you need to live for yourself otherwise, who are you? The other person is only then loving you for the sake of having somebody. I don't want that. I want to be discovered.