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I'm in one of those moods where I feel like an object. I feel like an object for other people. I want other people to use me.

I feel gorgeous and sexy but not in my usual powerful way where it totally gets me high and I walk around in lipstick and stuff. This is in the way that I need someone else to help me get to that empowered state. I need the attention to get my high.

You know, I think about Josh and I wonder... what else had he wanted to say? I could contact him and get a little rise out of it but to what end? I'm not serious about it. I don't think he's serious either. And he's just a piece of s**t anyway. Why waste me time? Because it's fun. Because it would feel good and it would leave me with one hell of a story. Haha. Because you never know where things end up.

Mmm~ Yes.

I wonder if I had told him I didn't care if he stuck it in another girl would he had stayed? I mean, hell... if I ain't puttin out he has the right to look elsewhere. But is that a shitty thing to admit? Does that mean I only want dickheads for boyfriends? Mmm~ I really don't know.

I kinda look like one of those old fashioned suburban wives.... from like the fifties or something... long blonde hair and smouldering eyes. Those little thin frames but still wide on the thighs and hips. Yes, I love to wear those damn heels and boots.

God I'm losing touch right now. I'm a little .... tipsy? I've gone a little hyperactive... but not really XDDD I think I'm just trying to work out those sex issues I have in my mind. There are so many of those... I need to begin somewhere.

Here's a little truth I never admit to anyone and I'm quite afraid even as I type it: I've always wondered what it would be like to be a man. I've thought that I would prefer life as a man because he has that and he can get off so easily. With women it's.... complicated. I don't even know what I like. That's the part where you say "so go find out" but really, I don't want to. I just want to know. I don't want those mistakes and the stupid VILLAIN tatoo'd on my head forever. Gods.

I have been the VILLAIN for too damn long. I have broken hearts and had my heart broken. I have been called a tease and I have teased. I have tried my best at things and I ******** up but that doesn't mean I'm a VILLAIN. I tell people from the start what the expect then I get slapped across the face for doing just as I warned. I gave fair warning?! I DID! I told you that I would cave if no one helped me! I told you that I didn't want to talk to you! I told you from the goddamn start that I was not into you! I told you ....

I ******** told you.

But I guess I just have to show you for you to understand.