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I am finding it increasingly harder to hold on to the last things I believe in. I have stoped believeing in myself, in my art, in the future and the suposed good things it holds, in waking up happy for no reason, in expressing my self, in sticking out in a crowd, in magic. and now it seem that what is dear to me is sliping away also, like inspriation, romance, happiness, music, reading, the first amendment, world peace and poetry. i'm trying to believe as long as i can, but i feel it being drained out of me wiht each passing day...it it because i'm bored, or just dumb? i feel like i'm losing my identity while trying to figure out who i really am...i sometimes lead myself to think that i am just a stuborn little gril who is in a rush to grow up..but then i catgorize myslef as an ignorant teen who grew up alittl to fast and dosen't know what to make of it...then i tell myself that i am a shy, quite girl who is afraid to speek her mind, whose head is clouded with asperations..but she never seems to put them into action, when other times i am a confident, high strone, go geter, who will do anythign to get a head on life...or i think of myself as an angery, uncompassionate, pompus bafoon, who blaims everyone else for her own desine flaws and feels like there is a big target painted on her back, when at other times, more often then not, i wil lbe a wistful, clumsey girl who secretly believes in happily ever afters but is always blaiming her self for everything bad that happens in the world, even though she knows it's silly to think that way....i am now debaiting whether i tis safest not ot be anyone at all.

the angery part, the stuborn part, and the over confident and happy part of me want me to make myself know, make a name for my self. while the wistful, the ignorant, and the quite and sad part of me say i should keep to myself, and fade into the back ground like everyone else. How do you respond to the half empty half full glass question? when i think it's half empty, why am I compeld to say it's half full? i don't want to come off as a pessamist, but i am..on the other hand, i am an optimist that can't make up it's mind...so do i just have an over all grim out look an life? or do i just not know what to make of it? or am i just carefree and more conserned wiht the over all meaning of life.

the meaning of life...what a dificult questions...is it to be happy? to be sucsessful? to be loved? to be strong? or just simply to be? what is it we really want? does everyone want to same thing? when we answer a question..does it just rasie more/ when one door closes do three more realy open? where are these doors anyway? and why can't we easly and wiht out hessitation open the winning one? is there even a winning one?

i figure everyone will stop listening or careing sooner or later, so this is were my pondering ends....but it is certaintly not where my thought do..i shall just conform to the ways fo my friends and post verious song lyrics...it seem that there si no other way to spill my guts out. Au revoir.

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Lightning Blue Eyes-Secret Machines

Under the weight of persuasion
When you change your mind
I left the ground you just gave in
It was the only time

I felt awake I was way out
Under the closing night
Just as the morning became us
and we were only skies

What changed?
It's in my love

In your dreams you've seen it all
Through a window so far off
Remember watching while your
Lightning blue eyes reflected sunrise

Through the dawn I'd seen it, too
I caught a glimpse I thought was you
And I was overwhelmed
Lightning blue eyes against the daylight

I felt awake I was way out
It was the only time
To do away with persuasion
Oh when you change your mind

'Cause in her dreams she's seen it all
Through a window so far off
Remember watching while her
Lightning blue eyes reflected sunrise

Through the dawn I'd seen it, too
I caught a glimpse I thought was her
And I was overwhelmed
Lightning blue eyes against the daylight

I Don't Care What You Call Me-David Ford

I never made time
You never made much sense
We never stood a chance
If we're honest
You were not the first
And I won't be the last
But if it makes it better
Well you can call me what you will
Get Home late
No-one's here
Pace around the house
And sit in my chair
And if you think of me
It doesn't mean a thing
So why don't you just tell me what you really think again?

I don't care what you call me
Oh I
I don't care what you call me
No I
I don't care what you call me
'Cos it won't hurt any more

I know I let you down
And Christ you let me know
Every time and time again
Just another afternoon
Get drunk and disappear
So call me what you will

Rain it on down
What else can you throw at me?
I haven't heard before
And tear me on down
I am unforgivable
So why don't you just tell me what you really think again

I don't care what you call me
Oh I
I don't care what you call me
Oh I
I don't care what you call me
'Cos it won't hurt any more

Rain it on down
What else can you throw at me?
I haven't heard before
And tear me on down
I am unforgivable
So why don't you just tell me what you really think again
Scream me on down
I am so forgettable
Yes I know
Shoot me on down
Don't you think this isn't killing me
So why don't you just tell me what you really think again

I don't care what you call me
Oh I
I don't care what you call me
No I
I don't care what you call me
'Cos it won't hurt any more