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I dont know where to start...
I suppose the begining is a best a place as ever...

A long time ago, arround say...7th grade...my brother was in 9th
his girlfriend broke up with him
and he fell into a deep depression, there wasnt anything I could do for him
and he was more distant and cold as ever...

my parents sent him to the psyciatrist...
almost as if they were afraid of him...I felt even worse when my parents told me he'll have to take pills
they said he wasnt going to a mental hospital and he didnt
but I know how much he hates pills, and when he took them
he seemed even less like himself than he did before...it was like he was a different person

switching modes...I was always the one who benifitted from my brother's shortfallings
I knew how things worked from him
I knew how all the different schools I went to worked before I ever got there
because he was there before me
I knew how to suceed where he failed basically...

So when I went through my first run in with depression
I had to keep it a secret from everyone...for fear of my parents doing to same thing to me...
eventually, "she" cracked my shell and forced the answers out of me
it didnt help at all...I felt worse than ever...I think that was when the whole cutting thing started..."she" wanted to help me, I know she did, but it wasnt working...I eventually had to brake up with her so that I didnt end up hurting her any more...I knew that the brake up would hurt her for a while
but my condition would only digress more so I had to distance myself from her
I still stay awake at night thinking if that was the right decision to make...

Eventually it all comes down to the fact that I've been searching for a person who would finally understand me...ever since I made the observation that my parents clearly, didnt.
Every time I think I find someone, I end up getting crushed again and wandering off into darkness again...maybe thats why I dont want to get back into a relationship yet...
I think I should finally give up trying to find someone...
it all seems so pointless...

I try to be happy by myself...but...I just end up feeling empty again...that horrible empty feeling...maybe I will give up...but not yet...I have to stay arround at least until I see my Eagle Project done...