|
|
|
Have you ever thought about how much the different goals people have affects the way you get along with them? Even though two people can have the same values in life, they might not get along because they have different goals.
Take for example one, who is looking for a partner, who meets another person, who's priority at the moment is completely different. They would clash, especially if the partner looking one gets interested in the one who's concentrated on completely different things.
Personally I would say, I'm not really ready for any partnership. Guess it's kinda odd, since I'm already this old. But I just think I'm not. At the moment I value friendship much higher than partnership and I really aren't looking for someone to settle down with. I just think that's something that will happen naturally (hopefully), with time. I think looking for it too actively can be bad... but then again, the one who searches for something hard enough will eventually find it.
Another example is, that if someone I've talked online with would come visit, I would of course let him/her come here... but I'd never look at this person as anything else than a friend.
Just something I had to get off my chest, most probably doesn't make any sense to those who read it.
 Mou · Wed Feb 22, 2006 @ 08:40am · 1 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Is it normal that a mother calls her daughter fat? Today my mother gave me a comment that went something like this, "Those pants look small, have you gotten bigger?". Well, one comment like that I would only ignore... but she's saying things like that all the time. When I got my drivers license she said I looked fat in my picture on it and that I had a big nose. I really don't understand what she's trying to say. Is this just some warning that I shouldn't be eating so much? Does she think I excercise too little? I do know that those comments hurt me. Every time she says something like that my confidence shrinks a little. I know that I a few years ago didn't care too much about my body, that I didn't care what I ate and didn't exercise. I know my body isn't perfect because of those years. Does she really have to remind me all the time? Doesn't she understand how much I hate myself for being like that a few years ago? Doesn't she understand it's too late for me to do something about it now? According to all weight charts I have a completely normal weight, if not even more to the underweight side.
Sometimes I hate her.
Another thing that's really been bugging me too is her attitude when it comes to what school I'm going to choose. In about 3 months I have to start applying to universities and other higher education schools like that. I'm having a really hard time choosing... I'm simply lost when it comes to what I should do. What does she do? She critically looks down on me and bashes every single suggestion I make. I just can't discuss the whole issue with her, since she never gives me any support. She seems to hate the idea of me going to an art school. She says I don't have a good enough portfolio. What the hell does she know? She's never even cared about the work I've done, she's always just given me a degrading glare when I mention anything about my own art. The fact that I have straight 10's in my art classes doesn't seem to matter to her either (we don't use letters in Finland, we use a 4-10 scale, where 10 is the best possible grade). My other alternative is biology, but I really don't know which field in biology I want to specialize in. Besides I don't even know if I could stand studying it, it's simply just my second choice. That she seems to like, but once again she pays no attention to what I want. Why can't she even once be a little supportive? She's just making everything worse and my decision harder. No need to wonder who I got my negative attitude from.
Thank you for being such a wonderful mother.
Mou · Sun Dec 18, 2005 @ 04:04pm · 2 Comments |
|
|
|
|
Beautiful n00b comments... |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Oh don't we all just love them.
ExotikAsiatik helo main frends!!1 im back heheheheee imnot ugly HAHAHNA!! heart and i paint main hairs green today morneng hehe i get gerfrend and she be sayied i look good surprised heart hehe i love gerls the aer veri beautifuel im hapy today morneng!!! biggrin are yu ugly?? rolleyes redface idea question
Mou · Tue Dec 13, 2005 @ 02:25pm · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
|
It all started with the cat my aunt had at her place in Norway. It was this really old and cute cat called Putte. He was constantly looking for attention and always wanted everyone to pet him, and when he wasn't doing that he was sleeping. One day I was up babysitting my cousin, she fell asleep and I watched some TV. As the cat jumped up in my lap I just started petting it, since it was so cute and the fur was soft and cuddly. Well, next time I looked at the clock I noticed I had been sitting there petting the cat for 2h without even noticing and the movie I was watching had ended. Really weird...
It is known that people sometimes take pets as substitutes for children. I mean, they never grow up, never complain and are fun to play with... the perfect kids. I've always liked animals, does that mean I like kids? I know that I get along with children very well, since I'm so childish myself. It's easy for me to entertain them and they always magically seem to be drawn to me. Myself, I've never really wanted many kids. A maximum of two, but rather just one. I don't really know why I started thinking about this... but it just popped up.
I've always for some strange reason wanted to adopt a child. I've always liked the idea of adopting... I've always thought it could be a very good option. Once again I can't give you a reason why.
Can't even remember everything I was speculating about last night, but these were the things that popped up... and I've been itching to write them down somewhere. For no reason really.
Mou · Mon Dec 12, 2005 @ 03:28pm · 1 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
|
a very sad one in my life.
As everyone elses my life goes in ups and downs, not as drastic as some peoples, my life isn't very dramatic, but still. The worst thing is that whenever there is an up in my life, I slowly, but surely start picking it appart... I destroy it piece for piece, without knowing why or how I actually do it. As soon as I've managed to heal my friendship bonds I change the way I behave and start smashing it all up again. Maybe this is something I'm only imagining? I have no idea, but I got this vibe when I read Yuu's letter to me.
Yuu and I are indeed very different... a different background, age difference, very different personalities. Yuu is so much better at reading people, understanding them. The will to help other people is also astonishing, I don't possess anything even similar to that. And what dedication, finding a goal and doing everything to reach that goal... I give up way too easily. In fact I'm more of a 'go with the flow' kind of person.
The thing that probably scares me the most and which leads to me pushing Yuu away all the time, is the amazing dedication. This is the first time any friend of mine has actually been as dedicated to keeping the friendship alive. I've always had to be the one who has to do all the work. Call my friend, arrange the parties, come up with interesting things we could do together. This might be the reason for me talking so much about myself too, since I desperately wanted to keep the conversation alive, but knew no other way than to talk a lot... a lot about things I know about. I find a lot of things scary, no surprise eh. You probably still won't find it beleivable that I'm actually afraid of asking other people questions. Sure I can chit chat, but when it comes to asking them about their feelings or anything more personal I stop. I'm always afraid my questions would frighten the person and push him/her away.
2 years... that's a very long time. The longest online friendship I've ever had in fact. It even beats many records in my real life. I confess that I often turned to Yuu to releive some stress, to relax. As I see it right now, I only had two ways of releiving stress... drinking and talking to Yuu.
I really will miss you Yuu, even though you might not think so.
That leaves me wondering what I will do now. The increased amount of partying in my life might be a warning sign. My grades have dropped, I've completely dropped most things online (left all my RPs and I'm seldom even on Msn or online for a longer period of time). Horrified I've noticed I have absolutely no controll over myself. I go out clubbing in the middle of the week, come home at 4am, get 2 hours of sleep before going to school. I even once wrote a test with an incredible hangover, a biology test, biology is one of my favorite subjects and still I can't stop myself from ruining it all.
I never noticed how self obsessed I was, I never saw how frustrated you were, I never even realized how horrible I was all the time... I just went on and on and on in my old and familiar path. It is sad and I'm mad at myself. What do I do? I passively watch from a distance as I bash bash bash and smash everything to pieces. I'm emotionally cold, I read my best online friends PM, where he tells me he never ever wants to talk to me again, and what do I feel? Nothing. It was a long time since I was truly happy, most of my life is just a grey blurry mess where all the negative parts pop up and haunt me.
You told me not to bother PMing you back... I shall respect your wish.
I'll miss you, *waves to Yuu with the miniature Yuu dolls hand go*.
Mou · Thu Dec 08, 2005 @ 07:44pm · 1 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
|
You know it's odd how people can get me wrong. They do it all the time.
For once, Yuu who has talked to me over Msn for a very long time now, well he already knew all the things I compiled in my last journal entry. I think he just missed them all and only got them now when I put all the puzzle pieces together... guess I can't blame him for that, but it's rather hard for me to build a puzzle like that.
Another thing I've noticed, is that way too often misunderstandings happen when I'm discussing something. I'm not the most verbally talented person. Actually I'm pretty hopeless when it comes to trying to explain something. When we debate something everything I say sounds odd, since I can't put into words what I mean. It's so frustrating and I bet it's lead to many people hating me for all the wrong reasons. Maybe I should start thinking more before I open my mouth, I should force myself to stop and think. Possibly this is something I can actually change about myself. Doubt it though, even though I would wish to do so very much.
When talking about hating other people. Well, I've noticed something rather odd about myself. However hard I try, I can't find a single person I actually hate. It's as if hate is a feeling I'm completely lacking. I have no idea if it's a good thing or not... but the strongest negative feeling I can have towards anyone is dislike. Why?
Perhaps it's because I've had such a calm life without any chocks or disasters. Maybe I've never had the reason to hate anyone. Is that possible? Not to ever hate anyone? Probably, since I don't know what it feels like.
Mou · Sat Dec 03, 2005 @ 07:57pm · 1 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
|
I don't know what to say. Today I read an unusual journal entry, where someone opened up and told me quite directly exactly how they feel.
Somehow as I read along, I realized how impossible it would be for me to ever write anything similar. It could be because I don't know myself well enough to actually in words express how I feel about a certain matter, I'm way too impulsive and not analyzing enough. I don't exactly sit down to go through how I feel about a certain matter, in my experience it only leads to me getting depressed.
I've always seen internet as a place where I simply relax, step into another role and bullshit as much as I want. I confess that I often see the people I talk to as simple computers, with no feelings. Often I also assume the person I'm talking to is doing exactly the same thing as I am, just being someone else and talking without meaning anything they say. So I don't know how to separate those who actually mean what they say from those who don't. I don't try to ever figure out what kind of person it is sitting behind the screen either, the same as with my friends. Those things somehow come naturally, after I've spent more time with them... but it's not possible to do online, there are simply too many details missing.
About friends, well I have none that I actually ever talk about my real feelings to. Some I trust more than others, some I secretly hate but still smile and have fun with. My family has never been any support either when it comes to discussing feelings. Sure we can talk about practical things and joke around, but we never go deeper and I find my relationship with the rest of my family quite cold. They don't understand me, I don't understand them. I don't understand anyone, I simply don't, noone thaught me how to.
If we go deeper in on my childhood, then I guess I can say I was pretty lucky. My parents did a good job. They raised me to be obedient but still independent. We never had any really horrible financial troubles (although it was kinda rough when my father started his own business). My dad used to lift me up in one of my ears when I had done something bad when I was little, I've always been afraid of him, even up to this day I'm afraid he might just one day hit me even if I know he never ever would. My mother never used any force against me, which is why I probably don't have as much respect for her as for my father, we argue and shout at eachother every single day. She's the one I inherited my temper from, I inherited my artistic side from my father. My brother? I've always found him quite the opposite of me. He has blond hair and blue eyes, his personality is almost the complete opposite.
My family has strong bonds with all our closer relatives. We spend extremely traditional holidays and mostly stick to the old routines (even though we change details each year). I beleive this is because my grandmother is a pretty faithful christian, not in the extreme way, she doesn't judge anyone, it's just her way of life. Also my father grew up in a family where he and his father hated eachother as much as ever possible. My father was always called the black sheep of the family, perhaps it has affected his way of raising me? At least he put me in sunday school when I was little, maybe to please my grandmother.
Digging into my past always makes me feel down, even though there are good memories the negative me always forgets about those.
Yuu, I get the same feeling when we talk. As if I know where the discussion will end up each time. But I can't break the pattern, I don't know how to.
I really feel like everything I just wrote is just gibberish, but I've never learned to write anything but gibberish.
The self-centered me is probably something I've developed to protect myself. But it is also a part of my personality, which I hate and cannot change (beleive me, I've tried).
Mou · Fri Dec 02, 2005 @ 10:07pm · 1 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
