Well here is another widely spaced post when we're talking in means of time. But I have decided today to write because I find no other way of expressing what needs to be expressed. I thought about posting a thread in the ED, but I reminded myself that even if I got the word out, no one would care and they would rip apart my post; Therefore, I dismissed that idea. I thought more and arrived at the conclusion that my scarcely used journal is my only hope. I realized that I can post whatever I want here, and there is a greater chance of no one reading it then if I posted it anywhere else. I know that here, I can say whatever I need to say to make myself feel remotely better, and no one will truly judge me. So here goes...
My story begins over a year ago, about a month after I started dating my current girlfriend Bailey. Now this may sound very cheesy, but humor me. She's been having these abdominal pains for a very long time. From what I've seen and from what she has told me, they hurt a lot. I would say almost as much as child birth, or a gallbladder attack if you've ever had one. At first, we had no idea what it was. We thought that maybe it was just some bad stomach ache or something. Well it carried on for quite a while. They, being Bailey and her family, went to a doctor and later figured out that her gallbladder wasn't working right, so they decided to take it out. This was about six months into our relation ship, and around five months into the pain. She recovered from that, and the pain went away for a short amount of time. It came back. It's been back. We've been dating for a year and three months now, and by the way the pain hasn't gone away at all, it doesn't look like it will anytime soon. We're all worried about her. She's been to a lot of doctors and none of them can figure out what's wrong with her. That's the hard part. She's been on at least seven different medications, and I think she's on eight now. It's killing her. She has no energy at all, her self-esteem is very low, she's emotionally exhausted, she doesn't want to do anything, she's depressed, and there's nothing we can do. Her parents have used up all their money trying to figure out what's wrong with her, and it's gotten to a point where it seems like there's no end in sight, and no one wants to help her. Too many people have too many ******** agendas that they have to attend to before they can even think about other people. It makes me sick.
...
Sorry. Anyway. She came over to my house today, and a little while after she left, I called her and we talked for a little while. Well, it was more of her venting. Bailey explained to me of how much she's sick of everything that's going on. She wishes it would stop from the bottom of her heart. She wishes she could do things, but because she's in pain everyday, she has no energy to do so. She's doesn't understand, nor do I, why all of this pain and misery was thrust upon her. It isn't divine punishment, because she hasn't done anything that could cause it. I tried to tell myself for the longest time that God was putting her through this for a higher purpose, but I'm beginning to lose faith. I don't want to, but I can find no reason what so ever for her suffering. There is nothing. I have looked at this situation from both sides many a time. The search leaves me empty handed. I feel helpless. I feel useless. I don't know what to do. I wish I could help, but it seems like there's nothing anyone can do. The only thing I've been able to do is sit back and watch her suffer. That's all. And I can't begin to tell you how much it kills me to watch someone I love more than anything suffer. Suffer with no end in sight. It has been too damn long and it needs to end, but it seems as though there isn't any mercy for her. None at all. And I want to kill someone. That is how angry I am. This needs to stop and it needs to stop now, but yet it doesn't. Over a year this has happened, and it has been a year too long.
But it doesn't matter. The only reason I chose to write this is because I needed to vent, and I could find no other means of which to do so. I apologizing for wasting your time. If you have any advise, I'm all ears, but if not, you are free to go. Comment to your heart's content. I don't really care.
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A trip to the mind of Sir HofferDoffer
This is about me, my life, what goes on in my life, my emotions and pretty much everything that goes on with me.
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I'm an intellectual