I'm stuck between my emotional and practical self. I feel as though I am literally being torn apart.
To be honest I want him to be happy, I want him to go out into the world and smile again. Yet at the same time I want him to be with me again. To hold him in my arms, to hear the fine chorus of our moans at three in the morning. I want it all back, but I can't drag him back to me.
I want to fight for him, to make him see why he loved me in the first place. To punch the living snot out of any woman that has ever thought to touch him. I want to change myself so he could love me again. But I know that is madness, that it is stupidity through and through.
My piratical side says I should give him his space, to just let him go. I don't want to suffocate him. I want to allow him to heal, it just hurts to let him go. I know it's the best for him to just set him free and let him live his life, he has even tried to hurt me so I would hate him.
Damn emotions will not allow hate to fill my heart when I see him. I could get lost in his eyes and I must fight every day to keep myself away from him. He was the only stable thing I knew, the only thing that I could ever vent to. To speak my true feelings to, even now I am fighting the urge to call him.
I am so pathetic, I hate myself for what I have done and what I am incapable of doing.
If nothing else, I just want my best friend back. I have to say that I felt so wonderful when he treated me like a woman again. When he spoke kind words to me last night, I felt the greatest joy of my life. I felt so happy again when he treated me like a friend, I miss that joy. Damn this heart, damn this ******** emotion called love.
Katherina Bathory Community Member 
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