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The life I lead can be interpreted many different ways. They aren't all plausible or understandable. I've been hurt more then words could describe. I'm not entirely sure if I should hide it, or let it loose and tell someone, although I'm sure some people already know. Yeah, life sucks sometimes, but I do carry on. I really, truly honestly don't know how, but I do. I look up, and then I look down. I reflect on what created me, and then I try to believe that I did really create myself. That the people I choose to hang around, three people in my life, were just tools that I never knew about. But in actuality, I give it all to them; for no memory of the past three years of my life makes any sense. I mop and cry, sit and whine, and grow dull and unclassy. So what do I really have to remember; its all them. I can't loose any one of them, they aren't like spare change. Although two seem to drift apart. Every day that floats by, I don't see through my own eyes, but I seem to watch myself, I feel like and outside voice. Is this a bad thing? I don't really get why I do things, but I do them because that's what something deep inside me feels like doing. I don't regret it, because it seems like it isn't real. I find myself amidst people that didn't know me then, the comfort of knowing they won't bring up the pain. But then I wake up in the morning, realize it wasn't a dream, that this life holds so much more, but I can barely even breath when I think of one solid problem in my life. So I separate my emotions, no long try to read what I feel. I watch myself function from afar, because everything else is a numb sensation that I will never explain. I toss and tumble, I fight with even myself, because my tolerance level shortens day by day.
Time will move on, it will still tick with every second, every new reformed voice, the opinion that is just waiting to be said. Does it really matter? I have grown a new skin over top the old, the skin that I wish I could still feel. The silk smooth innocence, is it good is it bad? It's not your choice, but sometimes I wish it was. To feel the safe haven of sleep, to know that tomorrow morning will be a new day, instead of a day to remember or forget. A day I break and cry, or a day I tell myself that I can move on.
 whitest kid u know · Sat Sep 13, 2008 @ 12:36am · 0 Comments |
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Comment
Lurk
ps] I don't like my name. I'll tell you if you ask
I'm exquisite, exciting, lubricant, and electric. I'd fight to the death, but unfortunately, nothing is worth fighting for anymore.
I'm straight edge right down to the bone, I've layered out my path, and nothing can stop me from the one I'm bound to chose.
I'm pansexual, I hate horror, and I slaughter, provoke, and detest the decisions of my conscious.
I'm grotesquely honest, commonly shy, picture perfect, and I fly high. Don't you?
Sometimes, I see this world, and everything that has changed over the past month. Wake up and realize, that maybe its just me, that with every new dawn, every new beginning, that I'm the one that grows. And as I grow, my eyes spread open, I learn to hate everything this world is and will be. To seek the path undertaken, the one that seems crowded by amiss of people who too, want to accomplish the undertaken, the unique, the thing that is no longer there. The way we were programmed to be. So, I'll pick up my stuff, and travel the road that seems less traveled, the road of conformity.
I like everyone to shut up for one reason. Uhm, hello acquaintance, you don't know me, nothing about me, and this "about" me isn't long enough to tell you how much personality I can hold, because I have a never ending cabinet full. Take this handful and shove it down you're throat. Cause my distinctiveness changes with every night I fall asleep, with every person I meet, and every moral I put down in my books, the things I believe in.
I display arbitrary of laughter for the things I will hold dear,not now, but in the future, for the things I've lost to my shame, to the things I preen, the liquor I'll steal and dump down the drain.
whitest kid u know · Thu Jun 12, 2008 @ 02:17am · 0 Comments |
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Interested.
I'm so interested.
My life has fallen onto a brick road,
and I can see the faces that I once knew,
they heat of the stone,
compressed their eyes into my brain.
I never want to remember,
we aren't elephants,
so why do I?
Who are you kidding,
I'm not impressed.
Jump up,
jump down,
jump all around.
Just don't fall over the edge,
you can't walk walls today.
Roller coaster, roller coaster,
drop me dead.
Roller coaster, roller coaster,
make my bed.
Roller coaster, roller coaster,
swing me high.
Roller coaster, roller coaster,
let me die.
whitest kid u know · Thu Jun 12, 2008 @ 01:36am · 0 Comments |
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I'm dead
but I feel like I am dieing.
My name is Holly. I don't know where to turn anymore, and I keep my burdens as tight as the skin on my forehead. I'll respect you when you deserve it. I love sadistic people, and I'm easy manipulated.
Sometimes I find myself believing that if I stop loving, I will not be loved. That if I stop telling people my problems, they will fall off the side of the Earth. But I'll wake up knowing that they are still my problems to carry on my back.
First impressions, drama, reality.
Live laugh love learn, scream cry crash burn.
True masochist. Why? Because I can be.
True pansexual. Why? Because thats my choice.
I have more problems then I'd like. Life is suppose to be perfect in the future, but until it gets worse, you don't realize that it is perfect.
I dream.
You dream.
We succeed.
I love.
You love.
We are broken.
I try.
You try.
We fail.
I cry.
You cry.
We heal.
Hold my hand and you and I will do it together.
Today is a new day, as some might suggest. So I'll lean back, and re-do all the mistakes I've done before. Maybe I want to, but something compels me either way to do what I've done before. Before I know it, I'm gasping for air, have I forgot the human nature? It's been a while since I knew what human nature was. I don't think I'm living in the right environment. Today I'll wander around, and eat my share. Five minutes later I'll use the bathroom. Relieve myself of my deadly fear. Out comes the truth, written on the toilet, filled with my wrong deed. But then I believed it right. Who needs to be sanitary anyway? We look better bony. Someone will come beat me, for their burdens will be written on my skin, soon to shrivel up, and be no more. That's how people get off. Soon, discarded, my story will be written on the very bones, that lay in the mist of a unsanitary inhabitance.
I don't know who I am anymore. I feel this thing come over me. My pain has iced my body, and my heart has gone cold. Do I know how to think? To shun away anything that has meaning, believing the opposite? I look in the mirror, I'm a fraud. Give me the person I once knew, the one that knows the meaning, the one that just doesn't hold it for others to see. I'm dead. I'm gone. I'm not breathing. Soon will be my end, and maybe then you'll realize how bad it really was.
Sometimes, I find myself believing that others know what I am thinking. Honestly, I shun myself for friends, family, from love, so that maybe someone will see my dull eyes, my fake beauty, and try to get in. To revive me. While the ones who supposed loved me, watch me die. this isn't want I wanted. But this is all that I'll be.
whitest kid u know · Wed Jun 11, 2008 @ 12:31am · 0 Comments |
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Today is a new day, when you are dead.
You're actions mean nothing, when you are dead.
You're words crash and burn, when you are dead.
You're love won't come home, when you are dead.
You're mind seems to stop, when you are dead.
You're heart seems to drop, when you are dead.
You're mouth feels glued, when you are dead.
You're grace feels renewed, when you are dead.
You're sanity feels over due, when you are dead.
So now that it has been repeated, can I wake up. Am I really what I believe, or am I just sleeping. This is forever a nightmare I knew was coming. But maybe I didn't expect it all the same. How do I know that wasn't just cloud nine, and this is really the reality I expected. I feel alone, with all the cold faces telling me I am not alone. How can you say that, I know you are telling me what I want to hear. Will you walk closer, and whisper in my ear. "Holly I know you. You're words are the opposite. Are you lost, do you need a new way home?" So I'll turn my back once or twice, but for me, there is nothing more to do. I might now its true, but to let you? What a shame I would be, frowned upon, the ultimate burden carrier. I am an underdog in fate. You seek a way to relieve pain, while I collect it. So throw me around, until one day you realize that I cracked all along, I just want to be back together.
There are no more words to say, to make anyone realize the agony I feel every single day. To go to bed alone. To wake up alone. To go to school, surrounded in people who have never felt what I have. Who will save themselves, and not be a fluke in what the all mighty have in store for our love life's. But me, I, shall be another mishap. I loved when there was no love. I turned for that. I said, "God my almighty lord, this is what I want. I want this and only this. If there is one thing in my life I should ever ask for, it'd be this and nothing more." As soon as I admitted to this greedy gift, it was swept away. I shadow myself in darkness, for I am the mishap, the unwanted, the intangible.
whitest kid u know · Sat Jun 07, 2008 @ 02:51am · 0 Comments |
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I have finally got a hold
on everything you mean't
but sad enough, it still runs through my head
"Don't kill me son, I've devoured your soul,
let me live, and I will not give you a toll.
I think about freedom, and hope on a leave,
But one thing I know, is that guns make you bleed.
You can not live when your killed,
but live when you die,
life normally comes, flying by.
I try to think,
of how it will feel,
But untill then son, I have devoured your soul,
So don't make your death sentence, so easy to pull."
whitest kid u know · Sat Nov 24, 2007 @ 05:11pm · 1 Comments |
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