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things sephiroth never thought he'd say on the phone |
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229 Things Sephiroth Never Thought He'd Say On The Phone
twigcollins: "You stuck the bean where?"
twigcollins: "What do you mean you stole an otter?"
ThorneScratch: "And what have we learned from this? That's right, washing machines are not toys."
ThorneScratch: "Beer in a milk carton is not milk."
twigcollins: "You need me to come untangle you from neon lighting?"
twigcollins: "How much maple syrup?"
ThorneScratch: "Look, give Cloud the phone so you can focus fully on finding the snake."
twigcollins: "Just tell the mime you're sorry and I'm sure he'll drop the gun."
twigcollins: "Well, I did find your pants."
ThorneScratch: "Reno had no business using the puppet for that purpose."
ThorneScratch: "Just make sure the dye isn't permanent."
twigcollins: "You tried to have sex with it, didn't you."
ThorneScratch: "I know you're bleeding internally, but the important thing is that Cloud's all right, yes?"
twigcollins: "Yes, yes, I can see the fire from here."
ThorneScratch: "I told you that was a bad place for a tattoo."
twigcollins: "So you're bald and covered in gravy."
ThorneScratch: "No, I really don't think you can use spontaneous combustion as an excuse."
twigcollins: "He's in tulle? You're in tulle?"
twigcollins: "You did what in my bathtub?"
ThorneScratch: "Just leave the zoo slowly."
ThorneScratch: "Whatever you do, don't make eye contact with the nuns."
ThorneScratch: "Palmer's car? On the roof?"
twigcollins: "No, I doubt the phone is going to work once you're underwater."
ThorneScratch: "They don't make a materia for constipation, no."
twigcollins: "You know, I thought my coat smelled like Crisco."
twigcollins: "Don't eat it."
ThorneScratch: "I don't care how much you can get for it, you need that kidney."
ThorneScratch: "I don't care how much you can get for him, I need Cloud."
twigcollins: "Yes, that will probably grow back."
twigcollins: "Tell Cloud I said it was all right to hit you in the face."
ThorneScratch: "You got what stuck to the frozen pole?"
twigcollins: "What the hell are you going to do with a sea turtle anyway?"
twigcollins: "How many cans of hairspray?"
ThorneScratch: "No, you may not trade your sword for firecrackers."
twigcollins: "What do you mean there's concrete in the middle?"
ThorneScratch: "I don't care how smart the parrot is or what it said about your p***s, it just doesn't sound like a good idea."
twigcollins: "Pull that out of your mouth. It sounds like you're speaking in tongues."
ThorneScratch: "With a squid?"
twigcollins: "Materia baseball?"
twigcollins: "You can't expense account pudding."
ThorneScratch: "I can't say I've had much experience with surprise transvestites, actually."
ThorneScratch: "Don't stick it there. No, I said don't stick it there."
twigcollins: "No, I don't want to know what you're wearing."
ThorneScratch: "The yakuza wants to cut off which finger?"
ThorneScratch: "The words 'smuggling' and 'foolproof' do not go together, even when Reno says so."
twigcollins: "Tell Reno if he doesn't stop ******** with air traffic control, I'm going to tell Tseng where the marmot came from."
ThorneScratch: "If it hasn't stopped bleeding in an hour, go get stitches. Otherwise, you still have to come into work tomorrow."
ThorneScratch: "That's no excuse. Bring the helicopter back by nine or you're in the brig."
twigcollins: "You're in Wutai?"
ThorneScratch: "I don't care if it's only legal in Wutai!"
twigcollins: "Yes, you really do have to find Cloud before you come home. Also wash him off."
twigcollins: "Okay, I can see you right now, on Midgar Nightly News. Yes, yes, that helicopter."
ThorneScratch: "I'm not going to tape it for you. No, they've already shown the car chase part."
ThorneScratch: "Use the fire extinguisher to put the fire out."
ThorneScratch: "No, I don't think it's possible for you to become pregnant. I think."
twigcollins: "No, I don't know what you've got in your other hand. Yes, yes, I can hear it squishing."
ThorneScratch: "Why in the world would you need that much beef jerky?"
ThorneScratch: "Just take the chocobo out of the elevator already."
twigcollins: "Do you have the phone down your pants? Right now?"
ThorneScratch: "So you're up to your waist in quicksand."
twigcollins: "No, I don't want to see Pretty Woman again."
ThorneScratch: "I really don't need a cactuar as a pet, but I appreciate the thought."
ThorneScratch: "Wandering the streets in only your underwear is not generally acceptable."
ThorneScratch: "How many of you are in drag?"
twigcollins: "Zack, put the hooker back on the phone, she's not half as drunk as you are."
twigcollins: "You're stuck in a manhole in which sector?"
ThorneScratch: "Exploding cows?"
twigcollins: "So wait, first they were on fire and then they exploded?"
twigcollins: "How many lobsters?"
twigcollins: "Even considering the mako in your blood, I wouldn't eat that. I don't care where you found it."
ThorneScratch: "So, you accidentally lost Cloud in a poker game. Again."
ThorneScratch: "No, I don't want to hear your new limerick. Yes, yes, I can guess what you used as a rhyme for Nantucket."
ThorneScratch: "No, I do not believe you can't go on the mission tomorrow because you have suddenly come down with a case of elephantiasis. Do you even know what that is?"
twigcollins: "Will you get that thing out of your mouth before you call me on the phone?"
ThorneScratch: "No, I don't want a gimp mask, even if they're having a two for one sale."
ThorneScratch: "What the hell is a trashcan party?"
twigcollins: "You're stuck in a pair of ladies hose?"
twigcollins: "Stop singing disco. I mean it."
ThorneScratch: "When you say your bedroom is on fire, do you mean literally or metaphorically?"
ThorneScratch: "Is that you playing the digeridoo?"
ThorneScratch: "You know, pretending to be deaf is only a temporary solution at best."
ThorneScratch: "So you have no idea how the crocodile got into your bathroom."
ThorneScratch: "Stay away from Cloud's nipples."
twigcollins: "No, I don't think Tseng is going to forgive you. Yes, I do mean with bullets."
twigcollins: "If you didn't want to be sticky why the hell did you climb up there?"
twigcollins: "Well, either way, you're going to have to apologize to the midgets."
ThorneScratch: "You'll feel a lot better when the restraining order comes through. Or I will, anyway."
twigcollins: "What do you mean, you can't quite find your nose?"
twigcollins: "If I say something nice about your wang, will you let me hang up?"
ThorneScratch: "No, I don't think you're a werewolf now."
ThorneScratch: "What's that thumping noise? Are you playing basketball in the house again?"
ThorneScratch: "How did you call me if you were tied up?"
twigcollins: "Ask them nicely if they'll stop throwing fish."
ThorneScratch: "No, I'm doing paperwork, I can't bring you toilet paper right now."
ThorneScratch: "Cloud knows what you did with his underwear."
twigcollins: "Are you on a trampoline?"
twigcollins: "So you got your wang stuck in a beer bottle. No I don't want to know what kind of microbrew."
twigcollins: "I can't hear you over all that bleating."
twigcollins: "You're locked in the zoo. Again."
ThorneScratch: "So, Reno is dangling out a sixty ninth floor window. Yes, yes, I caught the significance of the floor number."
ThorneScratch: "No, you may not call in dead."
twigcollins: "No matter how you mash the avacados you can't call it wang-mole."
ThorneScratch: "How could you mistake an entire container of strawberry lube for jam?"
twigcollins: "I'm fairly certain there's a law against that. No, no, probably just a fine."
ThorneScratch: "How did Cloud get stuck on the ceiling fan?"
ThorneScratch: "Is the button big and red and labeled DO NOT PUSH? Right, that's the one. And you pushed it?"
twigcollins: "You pushed it twice just in case?"
twigcollins: "I don't think mayonnaise is the answer."
ThorneScratch: "I know it was your lucky pair of underwear, but you can always buy more."
ThorneScratch: "Don't push the maitre d' any further. Remember the last time you were concussed by a pepper grinder."
twigcollins: "Okay, now which summon did you get stuck up your nose this time?"
ThorneScratch: "Who's in pigtails?"
twigcollins: "An entire keg on the chocobo? Well, yes, I think it has a right to be angry."
twigcollins: "Sephiroth no es aqui. Me llamo Juan. JUAN."
ThorneScratch: "You're hiding in a refrigerator? What?"
ThorneScratch: "No, I don't think you'll be allowed back in that movie theater."
twigcollins: "You have a rooster stuck in your pants? Yes, it probably needs to breathe."
ThorneScratch: "How many of its eggs did Reno swallow? That many?"
twigcollins: "So your wang is stuck in a Magic 8-Ball? No, I don't want to know why. Or my future."
ThorneScratch: "What's that buzzing sound, the air conditioner? What? A bee beard?"
twigcollins: "Just give it to Cloud so you can use both hands."
twigcollins: "I told you not to lick things in the wintertime."
ThorneScratch: "Don't water my cactus with beer. Again."
twigcollins: "I don't care how nice it is, trade Cloud back."
ThorneScratch: "If there is still fried chicken in my heating vent when I get home, you're going to be sorry."
ThorneScratch: "This is a workplace, not an indie porn studio, so stop ******** with the surveillance cameras."
twigcollins: "Tell the stripper-- wait, you're the stripper?"
ThorneScratch: "Stop talking in rhyme."
ThorneScratch: "No, you can't cook waffles on a radiator."
ThorneScratch: "There is no evil monkey hiding in your closet."
twigcollins: "Throw the jar of peanut butter away. No, it doesn't matter if it's still sealed once it's been there."
ThorneScratch: "What the hell did you get pierced now?"
ThorneScratch: "That tank was not yours to take."
twigcollins: "Where the hell did you get a catapult?"
ThorneScratch: "You're in a prison in Corel? You know, I hear they still do public hangings."
twigcollins: "You're stuck in the elevator and the goat is hungry."
twigcollins: "No, I don't think Palmer's car can run underwater. Yes, even if you try really hard."
ThorneScratch: "What did you accidentally flush down the toilet this time?"
ThorneScratch: "Don't put that in the microwave."
twigcollins: "You bought me a xylophone? No, a parrot who plays the xylophone. Which drugs are you on, and how many?"
ThorneScratch: "Public fountains are not bathrooms."
ThorneScratch: "I don't think anything found in a garage should be used as sexual lubricant."
ThorneScratch: "I told you that cement sets a lot faster than you think it will. You didn't believe me and it's your own fault you're stuck."
twigcollins: "This is the last time you call me naked from a professional sports arena of any kind. Including golf, yes."
ThorneScratch: "I'm going on a mission to Costa del Sol. No, I will not bring you back a present. No, not even if you're good."
twigcollins: "Well then give them the phone and I'll tell them you're incompetent to stand trial. No, your wang is not admissible as evidence."
ThorneScratch: "Stop trying to claim me as a dependent on your tax forms."
twigcollins: "How many times did you debit "ShinRa's Super Slutz" to my room account?"
ThorneScratch: "You and Reno are starting a band? Cloud's on tambourine?"
twigcollins: "You cannot hone your sword with a trout no matter how long it has been in the freezer."
twigcollins: "Materia are not edible."
ThorneScratch: "So you don't know where you are or how you got there but you're dressed as Santa and children are crying."
ThorneScratch: "Why did you let Reno have a bow and arrows in the first place?"
twigcollins: "You chased a leprechaun to a bar in sector two and now you need fifty bucks."
ThorneScratch: "No, I don't 'hypothetically' know what I'd do with three hundred and nineteen decorative garden gnome lawn statues."
twigcollins: "You did what with my toothbrush? Well, now I see why you're calling me from Junon."
ThorneScratch: "Speak slower. All right, Cloud is handcuffed to the kitchen table and you've accidentally dropped the handcuff key in a bottle of ketchup?"
ThorneScratch: "There's no such thing as toenail cancer."
twigcollins: "No, I don't want to know what you just pulled out of your nose. I don't care who it looks like."
ThorneScratch: "Put pants on. I mean it."
ThorneScratch: "No, I don't want to go antiquing with you. Is that a euphemism?"
ThorneScratch: "That moonshine still you made in the thirty seventh floor bathroom that you think I don't know about exploded again this afternoon."
twigcollins: "I don't care if you have 'inverted wang' or not, you have to come to work."
ThorneScratch: "Well, be careful, you could put an eye out on those nipples."
twigcollins: "Well, measure the spread of the tire tread on your back, then you can estimate how big the truck was."
twigcollins: "Do not sharpen your teeth. I don't care how cool Reno says it looks."
ThorneScratch: "I don't know if Rufus will like your redesign of the company insignia. Yes, even if you put pandas on it. Yes, yes, I know everyone else likes pandas."
ThorneScratch: "I told you this would happen if you kept the Silly String next to your nasal spray in the medicine cabinet."
ThorneScratch: "I don't want to know what part of yourself you're xeroxing."
ThorneScratch: "You're not performing that operation on yourself."
ThorneScratch: "No, having Reno do it is even less of a good idea."
ThorneScratch: "No, not even if Cloud helps."
ThorneScratch: "No, not even if you can get him to wear the nurse uniform."
twigcollins: "Fire materia cannot put out fires."
twigcollins: "How did you duct tape yourself to a billboard? Yes, which highway?"
twigcollins: "You ate how many gallons of baked beans? And this time you didn't even use the funnel?"
twigcollins: "I don't think making a Mako Bong is a very good idea, no."
twigcollins: "Getting a boob job is against ShinRa regulations. So is giving one to someone else."
ThorneScratch: "Masamune is not a kitchen tool!"
twigcollins: "No, honey will not work as impromptu birth control."
twigcollins: "You did what to the giant monkey? Where is this giant monkey? Where are you?"
ThorneScratch: "No, I don't buy that your long lost twin is responsible for it."
twigcollins: "I'm not a nun. You called the wrong phone. Sephiroth. Your boss. S-e-p-h-i-r... are you vomiting?"
twigcollins: "You have a jet engine? And rollerskates. No, no, I can imagine."
ThorneScratch: "Well, I'm sure Tseng had a good reason for chasing you up a flagpole. With a gun, yes."
twigcollins: "You know this wouldn't happen nearly as often if you didn't hold the materia in your teeth while changing slots."
ThorneScratch: "So, you decided to enter a pole-vaulting contest and somehow one thing led to another and now you're halfway down a chimney."
twigcollins: "Put Cloud on the phone and go put the fire out. Cloud's on fire?"
twigcollins: "Well, Zack, some things aren't meant for riding. Even when they have handles."
ThorneScratch: "Cloud was kidnapped by gypsies? Again?"
twigcollins: "You mixed up Santa Claus and Robin Hood again."
twigcollins: "You stuck yourself to the ceiling and yet you can still manage to call me."
ThorneScratch: "Yes, yes, I can guess what part of your person it is that you've hung donuts on."
ThorneScratch: "Return that seeing-eye dog at once."
twigcollins: "You paid for the pizza in loose gil. No, you found a loose gil on your-- you ate a pizza topped with loose gil. Yes, you have to flush the toilet."
ThorneScratch: "You ate twenty nine jars of marshmallow fluff and saw God and God told you to call me?"
twigcollins: "No, I've never had a little Gongaga in me. You go to sleep now, and we'll talk about this when you're sober."
twigcollins: "You didn't have to prove that Rufus wears a thong. Everyone knows."
ThorneScratch: "Well, even if Reno did bite first, you probably didn't need to use that crowbar. The brick did just fine."
twigcollins: "Red is not a danger color if you're eating jell-o. No, really."
twigcollins: "You don't just find false teeth. No, don't do that. I can't understand a word you're saying."
ThorneScratch: "No, flammable and inflammable are not opposites. What do you mean, 'oops'?"
ThorneScratch: "Casual Friday does not mean you can come in without pants."
twigcollins: "No, Zack, you're not allowed to represent yourself. I don't care what the judge says."
ThorneScratch: "That better not be my smoke alarm going off in the background."
twigcollins: "If you broke another copy machine-- no, I don't care how it happened, you're still paying for it."
ThorneScratch: "I don't care if Reno slammed the copy machine lid down on your wang, you shouldn't have been doing it in the first place."
twigcollins: "No, I don't believe you're doing after-hours training. I can see you passed out in a hedge from here."
twigcollins: "Salsa and shampoo do not work the same, even if they start with the same letter."
twigcollins: "So you're on the camel now, but it's really hard to steer. No, that's understandable."
ThorneScratch: "So because of a bar bet, you're involved in a race around the world?"
twigcollins: "The next time you lose your sword in a poker game I'm not requisitioning you a new toothpick."
twigcollins: "Yes, Zack, when you joined SOLDIER they did implant a tracking chip in your wang. No, just yours. Yes, after your pysch profile."
ThorneScratch: "You've been quarantined for fear of spreading chocobo flu?"
twigcollins: "No, I don't believe the moogle punched you first."
ThorneScratch: "So you want me to go threaten the cable company to give back the connection you've been stealing from them for the past three years?"
twigcollins: "Stop drawing mustaches on every one of Rufus' posters. He knows it's you."
ThorneScratch: "No, I didn't eat any of the 'special brownies' that 'someone' left in the conference room."
twigcollins: "Hang up the phone. Call me back again once you're out of its mouth."
ThorneScratch: "No, I don't think tying Cloud to a tree and hiding in the bushes with a big net will work, and why are you trying to catch a unicorn anyway?"
twigcollins: "No, I don't think you should drink it. Even if it says 'drink me' on it."
ThorneScratch: "You've been arrested for flying a blowup doll filled with helium in a kite competition?"
ThorneScratch: "All right, this is the third time you've claimed to have anthrax this week. Come up with a new excuse."
twigcollins: "I don't care what color you dyed yourself, you have to come into work tomorrow."
ThorneScratch: "Are you inside a laundromat dryer right now?"
twigcollins: "You made the chili hot enough that it could jump start the car?"
ThorneScratch: "Cannibalism is not an option. No, I don't 'hypothetically' care if Reno was already dead first. You'd probably get food poisoning anyway."
twigcollins: "That's only if you try to ingest it internally. Did you ingest it internally?"
ThorneScratch: "Santa won't come unless you hang up the phone and go to sleep and not call me again for a week."
 VincentAlexanderValentine · Fri Apr 16, 2010 @ 03:58am · 0 Comments |
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