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My brains vomitorium.
Please consult doctor before use, Ray is not for everyone, side effects may include; distrust, disdain, anger, pitty, loathing, and meloncoly...
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Ever have that experience, where you did something you genuenly thought was a good idea. So you did it, and it actually seemed to work out. And for a couple months things seemed to get better, and slowly your confidence built up to a point where you thought you could do anything. But things from before you made this decission come back occasionally when you stop to think about them. So you take it as a sign to try and maybe go back to the way things were. And you do that, you try and go back. You find that it's an up hill battle and when you get to the top you find it was for silly reasons you couldn't go back. Then after settling in and feeling whole and happy again, the other choice you made earlier comes back with the vengence angry with what you've done. So you try and manage the two, hand and hand. But they start to draw you thin. Finally you start feeling the doubt of going back to the way things were, cause they're not actually the way they were. There's no way to go back there, and it becomes disheartening. But now you can't change your mind again, or else you'll seem like a true a*****e going back on it a 2nd time. You don't want to go, you don't want to leave it behind because it can feel so right, so good. But at the same time it can be so frustrating and heart wrenching. So you have 3 choices. Choice one, stick it out and try to deal with the mix of good and bad emotions. Choice two, abandone life before again, feel horrible about it, and think about it constantly as you go on with life now. Or choice three, leave both behind. Start absolutly fresh and new. Move on completely, trying to hide the regret...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
eek I'm going insane. Insane, insane, insane. Do you know how frustrating it is to hold onto a hope, a dream, a thought even. For so long that it seems rediculous, and you finally decide to let go and move on. And the second, almost, you do this the opportunity arises and you miss it cause you let go. And then when you come back because you miss that dream, it's the same feelings again with a topping of regret and frustration. sweatdrop Why do I feel like this? I just want to yell in someones face and destroy a piece of property, and I want to just curl up into a ball and wheep myself into submission. If I'm chosen, if I'm what some people really, genuinly think I am, then shouldn't I get more then this emotional torrent of negetivity? Should I be happy? When does Raymond get what he wants? Why do I have to get the worlds punishment for it's stupidity? Dealing with an annoying constant of petty evils and mind ******** affairs. I don't want to be evil.. I don't want to be evil... I don't want to be evil! I want to be good, and love it, but I don't... I don't see that happening either. I have to deal with this, internally as always. Just me, can't trouble anybody else with my paranoid dillusions. My heart disease called love. I'll just keep my mouth shut and find my happy place. Hopfully it'll all be good in the end. This is one hope I'm not going to let go of. Ever. Ever
I'm such a stupid, jealous, fake, sympathetic b*****d. Put a bullet to my brain pan.
My brain is a fish bowl full of memories, swimming around and surfacing. Good and bad fish, gold and black. I love the gold fish, they make me feel warm and make me smile. I miss the gold fish. crying
~Melly out.
 melidserke · Mon Nov 07, 2005 @ 11:16pm · 0 Comments |
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